Kansas Chaos

I'm Baaa-aaa-aaack!

2009-06-13T16:57:00.005-05:00

What's that? Huh? You didn't notice I was gone?! Well..pbbbbtttt!

No worries, I'll soon bowl you over with all of my adventures I've been having! A week home alone without children (except 1 teenager but that's practically alone!)

A wonderful week in Pagosa Springs, Colorado.

A family reunion week in Bella Vista, Arkansas.

And now..home again. It's nice to be home again.

My little house-cleaning elves that I wished for didn't show up though. Sheesh.

BFF, Oopsie, Intersections

2009-05-22T09:41:00.003-05:00

Howdy gang! Oh me? Umm..yeah, 'bout that. I've been NOT on the computer this week. Yeah, I know..I think I must be sick also. My mom called this morning though in near hysteria cuz she just KNEW that I must have been killed and my body stashed in some sort of barrel to be tossed in the bottom of our lake since I hadn't been blogging.

Or..she called and told me to get my lazy butt up and start blogging again. Who votes for the second one? Mom..put your hand down, you aren't allowed to vote.

Something else I was lazy about..that darn weight loss ticker that was above my blog. The one that said it hadn't been updated in 80 days and was announcing it to EVERYONE that I hadn't done anything with it. I got rid of it. I feel lighter already.

The weirdest thing keeps happening to me and my sister, Tammy. Around spring break, she and I both showed up in Branson, MO. Our paths only crossed for an evening but we got to see each other and have dinner. I live in Kansas (duh) and she's in Oklahoma. Anyway...I called her the other night to see if she wanted to join me for a couple of days on my next getaway to Colorado. It goes like this:

Me: Hey Tammy! Whatcha doin' on May 30th?

Tammy: Hey Shawn, o' favorite sister of mine. I'm afraid I'm going to be out of town then if you were wanting to come down here? (okay..so maybe I elaborated a tiny bit)

Tammy: (groans inwardly thinking I'm wanting to invade her space - and yes, I knew that she was doing this) I'm gonna be outta town Shawn and no, you can't have my house while I'm gone. (I like the other version better, don't you?)

Shawn: Oh, too bad. I was hoping you could join Da Man and I, we have a condo available with an extra bedroom.

Tammy: That would have been fun, but we are going to be doing a haunting investigation in Pagosa Springs, CO.

Shawn: NO SHIT!!! That's where we are going to be also! That's where I was inviting you to!

After we get over our shock and laughing about that and meeting up in Branson earlier this year...we discover that the weekend following the Colorado trip we are both going to be in the same area of Arkansas also.

How weird is it that I mainly get to see my sister in other states? I mean..sheesh, I can't get rid of her if I try!

Ya'll head on over to Jaci's blog to see if she's got the list up for BFF! It's always fun to get a little peek into people's heads. Sorry, I was gone...I'll be good! I promise! Oh, I'm not supposed to cross my fingers when I say that. Geez, you are tough.

It's Silly Saturday time!

2009-05-16T05:09:00.005-05:00

This is a day that I'm kinda leaning towards doing some sort of 'linky' thing just to give everyone a quick grin for the weekend. I'm still working out the bugs though so for now...sit back and enjoy the funny.

In the tradition of Jeff Foxworthy (and 'cause I 'have' a few rednecks in the old family tree) here is a few redneck'isms for ya.

Here's a redneck time-out. Ha! This is tempting!

Now a redneck really knows how to pimp a ride!

But family time always trumps everything.

I'd like to leave ya'll with this:

A state trooper pulls over a pickup and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The redneck says, "Bout wut?"

Ya'll have a wonderful weekend!

Twinkies, Kindle and Wine

2009-05-15T08:48:00.002-05:00

I just love Fridays. Mostly cause it is leading into the weekend but also because it's Jaci's Blog Fart Friday and I get to just say whatever the heck is popping into my little old head.

Like this funny joke I heard the other day:

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad is getting his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Honey, you are going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."

I just love jokes like that.

I'm also totally in love with my Kindle. I'm not getting much done around the house because I keep wanting to read something else...and it's just so EASY to get something else to read.

Ya'll have a great weekend! I think I just might try to get a garden in. Hopefully. Maybe. I might end up drinking some wine instead. I'll let ya know.

I remember when....

2009-05-13T22:40:00.012-05:00

Let's all say thank you to Jen and Mama Kat for hosting these wonderful events known as ATWT and Writer's Workshop.

Mama Kat's prompt I chose was "I remember when..." so without further delay,

I remember when I was jet-setting about the world, dining in the finest restaraunts and flying in private planes.

I remember going scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef.

I remember kayaking down the Amazon river and getting captured by a native tribe but was able to live after charming the chieftain and becoming an honorary member of the tribe.

I remember flying off to Jupiter in the spacecraft I built in my own garage to save a damsel in distress.

I remember when I fought off hordes of mutant, carnivorous creatures in an abandoned shack in the woods with only my wits and one small knife.

I remember when I could wake up from those dreams without the sleep lines on my face lasting for 6 hours!

Saggy Boob Realities

2009-05-13T04:39:00.001-05:00

It's always a good thing when your family truly understands what you are going through. She fully commiserated with me during this time of stress.

My sister sent this to me, just to let me know she cares.

Isn't she just the best?!

I'm a blogging star!

2009-05-11T01:53:00.001-05:00

Ya'll know Jenny right? Well, you might know her as The Bloggess but to me, she's just Jenny. Me and Jenny, we be mates. (name that movie reference)

I was snooping about and noticed that people were coming over from "Ask the Bloggess" site so I meandered over and checked out what she was up to these days and lo and behold! She had my name up in lights!

Umm, answering a question on her site is the same as having my name up in lights right? Yeah, I thought so too.

Head over there and take a gander at my question and what she said about it. I'm rather scared now actually.

http://askthebloggess.pnn.com/articles/show/43675-pulling-out-nipple-hair-could-kill-you

I told Da Man about my brush with superstardom. I don't think I've ever heard him groan so loudly.

Song for Mother's Day!

2009-05-10T07:59:00.004-05:00

Ya'll might have seen this but it still cracks me up and is sooooo true!

Everyone have a great Mother's Day!

Ooops, I've been gone..but here's how my week has been!

2009-05-09T03:37:00.016-05:00

A peek in Shawn's life this past week:

First, I had trouble getting out of bed.

Then I had a stiff neck

I washed my hair and couldn't do a THING with it!

My new diet doesn't seem to be working out.

I pulled a muscle when I tried to work out,

and then my boss chewed me out at work.

To top it off, lunch didn't seem to agree with me.

I feel trapped.

Univited guests showed up at dinnertime,

and on top of that, I think I'm coming down with the flu.

Last night, I was hearing strange sounds coming from the basement.

I hope next week is better!

From now on, I'm going to handle stressful situations like a dog.

If I can't eat it or play with it,
I'm going to pee on it and walk away.

Family Makeovers! Before and After.

2009-05-04T22:20:00.011-05:00

I don't know what everyone is complaining about all the time. I find it very easy to whip everyone into shape and mold them into the person I want them to be.

For example. take my son Magnet. Just a few short weeks ago he was just sitting around, playing video games, caring primarily only about himself and the dog.

Now look at him. I just put him through my paces and voila! A new Magnet has emerged!

I next sighted on someone a little more difficult. I mean, I haven't known this kid his whole life and I thought I might have a little trouble here.

I don't know why I worried though. The Dude turned out awesome.

I decided to try out my new system with Da Man.

Mmmmmm, me likey.

Oh me? You are wondering if I put myself through my new program?

What do you think?

Two years ago today...

2009-05-03T21:16:00.008-05:00

The evening was getting dark, the clouds were building. It was tornado season here in Kansas and this evening sure had all the signs.

I ran across the street to our small hospital to check on the staff and patients. We all huddled around the television set for weather updates.

Tornado sirens were going off but we knew it was forming mainly to the north of us. The regular TV programming just wasn't going to happen on this day..the weatherman were jumping out of their skin with this storm system.

We started hearing the weirdest thing coming across the scanner. EMS was heading up to the next town because we were getting reports that it had been hit. They were saying that half of the town had been wiped out.

I have to admit that I rolled my eyes at that report. It was dark, the electricity was out. I figured the truth would come out in the morning and things wouldn't be as bad. I mean really...half a town?

A patient showed at our emergency room. He'd been taking a shower when the storm hit his house which was on the highway north of our town. He heard the tradition 'train was coming' sound and he ran to get his family safe and was struck be flying debris. He said the road was completely blocked north of his house. Trees, telephone poles and power lines were lying around as if someone had blown around a pile of toothpicks.

Our ambulances were having trouble getting up north. A road would be impassable. They'd go around to find another impassable road. It took an hour and a half to travel a distance that normally only took about 20 minutes.

We were beginning to have a sinking feeling that things were bad up north. Real bad.

We found out that the hospital had been hit by the tornado also and there wasn't anyway that not only the people injured by the tornado could be cared for but that the patients already in the hospital were now exposed, wet, without any medications or even their basic possessions.

Before that night was over our hospital was full to overflowing with the most stable patients from the tornado. There were a few broken bones that were splinted. Lots of elderly people that were physically and mentally debilitated.

The news continued to get worse as the night progressed and it was as bad as we could have ever imagined by the light of day.

The town north of us is Greensburg. The destruction was 90% of this town was destroyed. Not just damaged..but destroyed.

It has been two years and I still drive through this town at least once a week. It is slowly beginning to come back. There are still a LOT of vacant lots. There is still not a downtown to speak of. The hospital is still operating out of a series of connected trailers. The school has farmed the kids out to surrounding towns.

But the people are still there. They are rebuilding. They are rebuilding things better than ever. The trees still have an alien quality to them but here and there you can see a flowerbed that has been restored. There is a park with playground equipment standing in the middle of vacant lots and a few brand new homes. The street lights have been replaced. A grocery story now stands. The John Deere dealership is rebuilt.

I love my state. I love my neighbors. We are truly solid people in this part of the world. Here's to you Greensburg.

An awesome giveaway that I don't want to tell you about.

2009-05-03T04:58:00.000-05:00

This Italian lady walks into a bar...a SNACK bar that is! Bwahahaha!

Okay, okay, ya'll probably don't get that if you haven't been reading An Italian Mama Gone Crazy! She's a hoot. She's also someone I don't think I'd want be on the bad side of. Not because of the whole Italian thing...well, actually, yeah, because of the whole Italian thing!

Anyway, she hit her 500th post. Wow. She's decided to celebrate that with a giveaway. A really cool giveaway. A Pampered Chef giveaway. I get extra brownie points for tell you all about it. I didn't want to tell you. I really really didn't because I want to hog all the entries for myself.

I'd cloak her site in some sort of invisi-shield if I could.

But I can't so I'm just going to have to try to win fair and square. But don't go over there cause I said so. She'll just talk your ear off anyway and she won't let you work in the snack bar...so don't even ask! Ha!

Silly Saturday

2009-05-02T04:36:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking this guy is really feeling the spirit of spring!

Sock City

2009-05-01T08:16:00.002-05:00

I brought up my bizarre imagination a couple of posts ago and my mom brought up some other things too. That I saw burps also (actually I saw those first) and I could hear the worms scream when we'd put them on a fishing hook. Oddly enough, it didn't really traumatize me but there's nothing quite like a worm scream.

Anyway, this morning while helping my son find some socks to wear today I started wondering where in the h e double hockeysticks do all of the socks go?

I suddenly had a vision of an entire sock city that lies in a parallel universe. You have to be 100% cotton to get there.

There would be sock bars...where all the single socks would be looking for their perfect mate.

Hobo socks would be piled up against the walls...all grungy with lint stuck to them.

Old, threadbare mated socks would be walking hand in hand in the parks. Or would that be heel in heel?

Lots of runaway kid socks, out on their own. Argyle pimp socks trying to take advantage of them.

All the old tube socks with stretched out heels would be wolf-whistling at the silk stocking walking by.

I'm thinking I'm going to wear sandals today.

BFF weird thoughts

2009-04-30T22:02:00.005-05:00

Blog Farts – noun. Def: Crappy ideas that are too short to make a real blog post, but when combined, join forces to make one unified, albeit half assed, post. see also: memes, surveys.

I wonder just how many unfinished projects I have going on. 4? 6? I'm afraid it's more around the dozen mark.

I'm lurking around facebook these days, don't say much but enough here and there so people remember that I am actually there. It's really strange suddenly being 'friends' with people in high school that knew OF me but certainly didn't 'know' me. Ya know?

I really wish I was one of those get up and go people. I'm afraid I'm going to look back one day and say I wish I had....

I'm still in my funk. (Yes, Mom, I'm taking my meds...mostly)

My laptop is starting to mess up. I'm getting worried. Like I'm going to have to take it to the doctor but I don't really want to because I might get some bad news and do things that I don't want to do like eat right and exercise.

I like visual cartoons. Like this one.

Post 100. Pill Bugs. Imagination. And a little about Me.

2009-04-28T21:53:00.014-05:00

Well, here I am. I made it to number 100. I had been thinking earlier in the week just what was I going to do to celebrate this milestone. I've now tossed out all of my previous ideas and I'm just gonna rattle on for a bit. Blame it on the wine. My glass is full (again).

I'm the oldest of 5 kids. Yes, my mother must have gone a wee bit insane. Actually a LOT insane considering that the first 4 of us were all born in 6 years. That just makes the ole vahjayjay clench up don't it?! (BTW, I have NO idea who this woman is but I have seen this exact same expression on my mother's face!)

When I was a kid...I had the weirdest imagination. I could 'SEE' farts. There were the zippy little quick ones. They zoomed around the room, would bounce off people. The worst were the long, sloooow, mushy sounding ones. They kinda oozed outta people's shorts and were a drippy looking green. Sometimes they even had different colors mashed up in 'em also. Bleh. My family would often even ask me, "What's that one looking like Shawn?" And I'd tell them. I was just the nutty little kid.

I also had a very definite conscience. I wish he looked like Jiminy Cricket. I mean how cool would THAT have been.

Instead, my conscience was a blue-uniformed police officer that stood in a lifeguards tower and blew his whistle when I started doing something that I wasn't supposed to do. He was really a pain! He'd just keep on blowing that whistle until I finally stopped. Can we say 'juvenile schizophrenia'? ::snort:: (Yeah, that pic has some sort of 'do not steal' thingie across it but, but, it was PERFECT!)

My middle sister though, she's the most like me as far as sense of humor goes. She's freakin' Hi-larious so of course I think she's the most like me! ::snicker:: Seriously though, I wish she'd get her butt back to blogging a little more frequently cause I miss the way she makes me laugh.

I do have to confess one thing that I did to her as a child though. Ya'll remember those pill bugs? I called 'em rolie polies. I gathered up a handful one day. (In Oklahoma they are under any rock you pick up.) I tossed 'em in a bowl and swirled it around. Those little bugs just curl right up and roll around as cute as you please.

Then I told her she had to eat her peas. She didn't really want to but I told her she HAD to or she was gonna get in 'Big Trouble'. She ate em. My mom caught me. Guess who was the one that ended up in 'Big Trouble'? Heh.

Okay, I'll show you a little better. Here's a REAL picture of a pill bug instead of that little cartoony one which makes 'em look cute. I was so bad.

So that's about it. A long, weird, rambling post for my number 100. I'm blaming it on the wine but actually it's just me. All me. Only me. Bwahahahahaha!

I've figured out my funk! But knowing the reason is probably worse!

2009-04-28T08:38:00.009-05:00

As some of you know, I'm pretty much the only female in a house full of testosterone. And a couple of wanna-be testoterone filled boys.

I walked through the house last night and I was assailed by various 'aromas'.

The first one was fairly mild. The trash needed to be taken out.

Then I ran across the dog. He really needs a bath.

The various thrown about socks here and there left their own little clouds of olfactory gifts in the air as well.

My husband's shoes about drove me out of the family room. The cat should have followed me.

Although the cat has her own issues to add to this.

I don't even want to talk about the bathroom and my boy's inability to turn just their heads while peeing. Think about that one for a sec.

I think I'm going to take over the guest room and fill it with sweet candles and lavender scented sheets and my laptop and my Kindle and my crafts. I wonder if I can get my meals delivered?

Oh yeah, It's Monday.

2009-04-27T18:13:00.007-05:00

So, I'm creeping up on my 100th post. A milestone. An "I've stuck it out this long and people haven't thrown rocks at me yet" moment.

What shall I do to celebrate it?

A giveaway?

A funny story?

Pictures of gorgeous men to drool over?

Actually, I find myself in a bit of a funk just now. Perhaps I'll just crawl into bed, make some popcorn and find a good movie.

I'm not the only one that has ~~weeks~~ days like this right?

Just a quick post!

2009-04-24T18:39:00.001-05:00

:::snicker:::

:::snort:::

Humor quotient of a 9 year old...'member?

I'm your BFF! Again!

2009-04-23T21:55:00.005-05:00

I'm totally liking this whole BFF thing. Don't know what BFF is? Where ya been? Under a rock? Sheesh. Go over to Jaci's blog and check it out already. Just don't call her Jaycee...she hates that. It's pronounced Jacki...which I totally know since I'm one of her very bestest friends. She just doesn't know that yet. But she will, I have her phone number now...and her cell number....and her address....and I know what she drives....muahahahahaha! Oooohhh, I almost scared myself there for a moment! Hah!

She defines it as:

Blog Farts – noun. Def: Crappy ideas that are too short to make a real blog post, but when combined, join forces to make one unified, albeit half assed, post. see also: memes, surveys.

Cool right? Right. I thought so too. Great minds really do think alike don't they?

I really wanna come up with one of those linky things and then I can be one of the popular girls instead of one of the poopular ones. Heh. That cracks me up. I know, humor quotient level of a 9 year old. I blame it on my pre-teen boys. I laugh at farts too (mine anyway). I give 'em the old stink-eye when it's them doing it.

I particularly laugh out loud when I delicately pass just a little gas but I'm sitting on my wooden chair and it sounds like a machine gun straight out of the 1920's gangster wars and it scares my dog out of a sound sleep and he jumps up, barks, spins around and heads downstairs to hide. I literally laugh out loud.

Didn't know that I took Blog 'Fart' Friday so literally didja?

It's amazing to watch the progression of excuses when a child doesn't want to go to bed. From the utilitarian like "I forgot to brush my teeth" or "I need to go to the bathroom" to the needy like "I need a drink of water" or "I forgot to give you a bedtime hug" to the downright pitiful "My stomach hurts" or "I had a bad dream". I particularly love the last one when it's only been 2.6 minutes since the last time they were up.

I love wine. I think I have about a half-bottle in the frig. I'm gonna go check.

Hey, everyone check out my ~~groupies~~ bloggy love mosh pit over there...I've gotten 7 new moshers this week! Woohoo! Actually, it's been 3 months since I started this thing. It's 'bout damn time I'm starting to ~~be idolized~~ collect more of you cute little things. Ya'll are better than ~~beanie babies~~ a big tub of buttered popcorn (and I LOVE my buttered popcorn!)

Oh, you have to click on the 'you're next' thing so a window pops up to show you who's doing BFF. You don't have to sign on any dotted lines or anything, just pop up the window. Don't worry though, I already ~~whined~~ told her about it. I'm ~~bitchy~~ good like that.

I can be such a sucker!

2009-04-23T04:31:00.007-05:00

I just love Mama Kat's writing assignments. It always takes me in some direction that I had no idea that I was gonna go in. For example, this week the prompt I chose was number 4. Write about an interaction you had with a salesman. Go check out all the other wonderful writers over at her place.

Also, I do Jen's Thousand Word Thursday. I figure all the pictures I add into my stories let's me get away with it! :::snort:::

I was taking a nap. A wonderful nap. I just love naps, don't you?

When I woke up I wandered into the living room to see Da Man.

Da Man: "Hey, I'm glad you are up. The salesman is going to be here in about 30 minutes."

Me: "Uhhh, wha..?" I wiped the sleep from my eyes and the drool from my chin.

Da Man: "A salesman stopped by earlier but you were sleeping so he's going to be back here in a bit. He wanted both of us to be there."

Me: "Why did you do that? Why didn't you just make him go away? I don't want to have to deal with a salesman? What is he even selling? Oh man, now I need to clean." Needless to say, this was the last thing that I wanted to hear after having my wonderful nap. I felt cheated out of my post-nap mellowness.

I scurried around picking up dirty socks and dog chew toys and putting the sofa cushions back into place. Before I knew it....'ding dong'. The doorbell was rung.

The salesman was here.

He was a nice enough guy with a big Silver King vaccuum cleaner. Well, I didn't want another vaccuum cleaner and I sure didn't want a big expensive one. I figured I'd just let him do his spiel and then hurry him on out the door so that I could find some wine and make my husband a little bit miserable for having put me through this to begin with.

But...hmmm...that vaccuum is working really well.

Oh, wow. You can use it on carpet and tile and wood and it even doubles as a mop and carpet cleaner?

It purifies the air also?

OMG! Look how much crap it got up just in that one little spot!

We are getting down to the end of the demonstration and I had these wonderful little jitters in my stomach. Just like the ones that I get at the mall when I find a great new pair of shoes.

Da Man is making some negative noises. I started batting my eyes and smiling really pretty at him.

He bought it for me.

We are still making the payments.

I don't use it nearly often enough.

It sure is pretty though.

Me? Well, this picture explains it all.

I scored the coveted interview!

2009-04-22T00:05:00.002-05:00

Dr. Zibbs. Say that name to yourself out loud. Doctor Zibbs. Kinda makes you shiver a little bit doesn't it? Yeah, me too.

He decided that he was going to let two people interview him and held a grueling elimination process. I persevered through mud gnats, bull gonads, quicksand and toothpicks and finally received the grand prize. I was selected as one of the interviewers.

Unfortunately, my sanity was still missing during this time so I don't necessarily take any responsibility for my questions. Unless you like them, then they are totally mine.

After I met all of his Michael Jackson-esque demands for layers of black sheeting and multiple entrances so I would not get a chance to lay eyes upon the actual physical being of the Zibbs, he allowed these questions.

1. Since you don't want anyone to know what you look like and swear those you have seen you to secrecy....are you a sufferer of bad skin or leprosy? My skin is fine. As are my beautiful looks. The reason I don't reveal myself is because then I wouldn't be able to write anything I want on my blog. Also, because I like to torture people. And lastly, because I like to see the reaction of people when they finally meet me.

2. If you were stranded on a desert island and had to choose one of these two people to be with you, who would you choose? Alex Trebek or Pat Sajak? Trebek. Because it would be more fun to torture him. And he probably makes a better coconut creme pie.

3. If there is a speed of sound and a speed of light, is there a speed of smell? Please give an example. There is a speed of smell but it depends on what was eaten within the past hour.

4. If you got cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who would you complain to? Tom Bosely. He seems very fair. And remember when Richie and Potsie lost the money in the poker game and he won it all back? Yeah. You remember.

5. What is the right height of a mini me? This big.

6. If you woke up tomorrow and had an new accent, what accent would you prefer? Any. As long as it was super duper loud.

7. If you woke up tomorrow next to a woman with an accent, which accent would you prefer? Italian

8. If a bunch of yaks jumped on top of each other, would it still be called a dog pile? It's actaully called a grup. They do that sometimes to protect themselves from predators. For real. Naaa. I just made that up.

9. What would you choose to eat for a last meal? Crawfish au grautin over top of a rib eye. And maybe human.

10. If you had to stuck for a solid month with a bitchy woman with a great body or a hilariously funny woman with saggy boobs, who would you pick and why? Depends if I thought I could seduce and tame the bitchy woman. But I'd rather spend time with a funny woman with the saggy boobs as long as she didn't have a butterface. (Shawn here: Can't imagine why I came up with THAT question! ::snort::)

11. (Bonus question) When am I going to see a scowling blue yak peering at me from my followers party pit? Once this gets posted. (Oh, yeah..and there it is! I'm a happy saggy-boobed woman now!)

And there ya go, your little tidbit about Zibbs. One of these days I'll let you around me. The woman that was around Zibbs. Heh.

I'm not Ragin Hormone, I swear I'm not!

2009-04-21T07:58:00.002-05:00

That darn Snarkiness! She's always messing with me! I will admit that I used to have a bit of a hormonal side but ever since Shawn has been taking that lovely little blue on blue hormone pill, there has hardly been a bit of 'ragin' going on.

I'm just simply Emotional, that's all. Lovely and simple. You know what else is lovely and simple? My cat Cupcake. She was just a half-drowned, half-dead little kitten that someone just tossed out before she was even old enough to eat on her own. We found her in the front yard...couldn't even see because her eye infections were so bad. Now she's my nap buddy. So sweet!

Hey! Who left the ketchup on the dining room table? Again! Oh, great. There's the mustard to keep it company. It's a regular condiment mosh pit, I tell ya!

Why doesn't anyone pick up after themselves? Why am I the one that gets stuck doing the real cleaning? Waaaaahh! I wanna be rich and have a housekeeper and a chef and a personal trainer....and....and...:::sniff::::...and I want a world that doesn't tear itself apart and I want...oh, hell, I don't even really know what I want.

I'm going to get a glass of wine and curl up and watch Lifetime Movies all day long.

All my love,
Shawn's Emotional side (NOT aka Ragin Hormone)

Now you are ALL mine!

2009-04-20T20:42:00.002-05:00

Mine I say! Mine! Muahahahahaha!

I knew that if I kept it up long enough that party-pooper Sanity would finally just give up and take off. Like it did. Loser.

Which means I AM THE WINNER! Sing it with me! Iiiii aamm thuuuh weiner! Winner winner chicken dinner!

I feel like dressing up like Bette Midler in that witch show she was in and start singing "I put a spell on you...and now you're mii-ine!" Then all my neighbors can get all dressed up and put on Madonna boobs and dance all night long. In the street, so I can see them whenever I want to.

Hey! No! Go away! This is MY time to rule! Gotta run, Ragin Hormone is making a power play.

Love ya'll,
Shawn's Snarkiness.

Ciao!

2009-04-20T00:04:00.003-05:00

My dearest Shawn,

We've had good times and bad together but honestly I'm ready for a break. We've been together for 45 years already (except for those couple of years before college when you kicked me out) and I'm ready to just take a little me-time.

I'll let you know when I return.

Love,
Your Sanity.

I'm gonna be a BFF

2009-04-16T23:53:00.009-05:00

Blog Farts – noun. Def: Crappy ideas that are too short to make a real blog post, but when combined, join forces to make one unified, albeit half assed, post. see also: memes, surveys.

Yep, Jaci has started up Blog Fart Friday, which is totally up my alley since that is generally about all my mind does most of the time.

I think this is the first year in about 10 years that I actually got my Christmas stuff down before Easter. Of course, that was only cause Da Man started doing it and he just can't put things away the way I want things put away so that meant that I had to do it or put up with him doing it and I just couldn't do that.

Yeah, I totally talk like that in real life also.

Why does there always seem to be some sort of condiment sitting on my dining room table? I'm staring at a bottle of ketchup right now.

I would KILL to have an Alice from the Brady Bunch in my life. I would be a happy and well-adjusted woman if I only had an Alice.

I crack myself up when I comment on other people's blogs. I'm only sorry that all of you don't get to read all of me. It's really your loss. Really.

How in the world did the whole Easter Bunny thing even come to be? I get chocolate, cause who doesn't want another day when eating chocolate is encouraged, but eggs and bunnies. Someone was out drinking late when that one was born!

Gilles' wife? I could take her down in an instant. Just gravity would do it.

That thing that happened on the playground....you know, that THING!?

2009-04-15T23:30:00.002-05:00

Mama Kat is prompting again..and this week I wasn't strong enough to say No. So I chose the prompt, Tell us about that time at the playground when that thing happened. Ha! I knew exactly what I was gonna write about.

This day will live forever in my mind. It's the day of...of...well, read for yourself.

A long, long time ago in the far off kingdom of Smalltownkansasville, there was a young lady named Shawn. (Yeah, she has a boy's name, gonna make sumpin of it?)

Anyhoo, she gathered with her friends on the grounds of the old schoolhouse. It was a favorite gathering spot for them all.

In particular, one of her favorite friends was this boy. A boy her age. A boy in her grade. A boy that was cute and sweet and made her heart go pitter-pat whenever he looked her way.

They sat together on the grassy lawn under the canopies of giant old oak trees. The other friends began to gather around as they noticed the pre-teen flirting going on. The innocent young love must have been casting out ever-expanding pheromone circles because before long everyone had gathered around the young pair.

It all started with a few looks, a few grins, a playful shove here and there among the onlookers. It quickly escalated to "Just kiss her already!" Their statements burned in the ears of young Shawn and she thought to herself, "Will he? Will I?"

They glanced at each other and at the same moment leaned in quickly for the first 'real' kiss of their young lives.

Unfortunately, they both leaned in just a little too quickly and while their lips did meet, their momentum kept them going so their teeth also bonked together hard enough that each had a bit of a fat lip afterwards.

So there it is. The story of my first kiss. On a playground. Ending in a fat lip.
He DID take me to the movies later and we worked on the whole kissing thing and got much better at it...but that first kiss? It will be with me forever.

P.S. I'm such a traffic ho, I'm totally adding this to The Mom Jen's Thousand Word Thursday.

Buncha Updates!

2009-04-15T19:29:00.005-05:00

1. My headache is gone! Woohoo! Thanks for everyone for worrying about ~~my imminent death~~ my haddock. Ya'll are sweet. I will be finding a chiropractor also.

2. This is the best thing I have bought in at least a decade. I highly recommend it. I'll miss not having an actual book to pass on and I'm sure there are some that I'll still buy in bound form...but besides being very 'green', it's easy to read, portable, never leaves me without a book and is just plain AWESOME! I'd be a Kindle representative if they'd let me! Ha!

3. Silly Saturday....eh, I'll shelve it for awhile. Not to worry though, I'm sure my ~~immature~~ active imagination will come up with something more worthy of my ~~fantabulous~~ blog.

4. It's official. I'm considered a respectable person by the citizens of my small town. I was voted in to the school board position. Apparently no one here reads my blog! Bwahahahaha!

Okay, now I'm off to eat my new chicken/spinach/mushroom pizza and ~~lick~~ read my Kindle.

I'm in Technological Ecstasy!

2009-04-14T19:15:00.007-05:00

I got it today, I got it today, Aaayyyeeee-I-I got it today!

The new Amazon Kindle is what I got. Have you SEEN this thing!? It's awesome, especially if you are an insatiable reader like I am. I hate being caught without a book but it's also a pain to lug around ~~forty~~ a couple of books on vacation or even a long car trip. so my mom showed me this one day and I've been lusting over it ever since.

I've totally fallen in LOVE with this thing!

It's only the size of an Avon booklet and is so light. I'm getting ready to go nuts and start downloading books, best-selling books that I can buy cheap! Woot!

On day 3 of this darn headache but I'm just gonna ignore it for now. I'm kinda leaning toward the chiropractor and never heard that milk could cause 'em! That just ain't right! I love my 1% milk!

Ya'll go check out this thing. Don't even tell me, "But Shaaawwwn, I don't even have time to wipe my own butt, how am I going to find time to read?" Just do what I do, let the masses fend for themselves. Let the dishes pile up, let the laundry tower and stink. You won't mind because you will be in another world...a world that YOU chose and has taken you away!

So pour a glass of wine and take an extra sip for me. I'm playing at work tonight.

(As always, thanks to Rick Green for his doodles!)

Uh Oh! Everyone look out!

2009-04-13T22:10:00.006-05:00

I've had ~~an aneurysm~~ ~~a tumor~~ a headache for two days now...and I have to work!

I'm either going to freak out or ~~curl up in a fetal position and hide~~ get very quiet.

I think I need ~~drugs~~ a vacation.

P.S. Does anyone have any good headache remedies. I've tried Ibuprofen, Excedrin, caffeinated drinks, sleep, soaking in a tub... It's right on top of my head so it doesn't seem to be sinus-related and it's not a migraine...but dang, it sure is a pain in the scalp!

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T08:39:00.002-05:00

Hope everyone has an awesome day!

A favorite joke of mine! Silly Saturday

2009-04-10T22:53:00.005-05:00

I should start something called Silly Saturday and get that Mr. Linky thingamajig. Something to just make us all grin to start out our weekend the way it should be. Smiling and happy. Silly...nothing beats being silly.

So I think I'm gonna...who's with me?

So sit back, prop up your feet, grab your drink and let me tell ya a story.

This guy was walking along a country road when he happened to notice a pig with a wooden leg in a field.

He saw the farmer leaning up against the fence and walked over to ask him about that pig.

The farmer says, "Oh, that pig. That isn't any ordinary pig you see there. Last summer, my wife fell into the farm pond and that pig jumped in, grabbed my wife and pulled her out. Saved my wife's life."

The guy says, "Wow, that's great!"

The farmers says, "That's not all either. Just a few months ago the house caught on fire and that pig jumped onto the back porch and grabbed my baby girl and pulled her out. Saved my baby girl's life."

The guy says, "That. Is. Amazing! So what's the story about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says....(scroll down for it...)

The farmer says, "Well, you can't eat a pig like that all at once!"

Bwahahaha...just makes your hiney cringe doesn't it!

So should I add a Mr. Linky ...starting next Saturday? What do you guys think? Good idea or not? Perhaps a manic Monday instead? Should I shut up and go sit in my corner with my wine? ;o)

The thing kids say!

2009-04-09T23:21:00.002-05:00

I've slept most of the day and am going back to sleep again soon but just HAD to post this right quick.

Honest to God, my son Alien said this to me today during a bit of snuggle time.

"Mom, your armpits smell like roses compared to Magnets."

He smiled lovingly at me, so pleased with his compliment.

I love that kid.

Some of my favorite stolen things

2009-04-09T03:38:00.009-05:00

Pictures, I mean.

I'm a total picture thief but the worst part is..it doesn't really even bother me.

I'm tired and have a rotten headache so here are some pictures that I've come across that I just love. I rotate them as my computer background sometimes.

This one is my current background, I just love this dog's face. I keep thinking he's really looking right at me, hoping that I'll show him how to get back down.

The cat in this one just makes it for me. He's sooo planning something.

Is this just not the sweetest thing? Poor little skinny puppy, I'm so glad that cat let him cuddle up.

There are packs...and then there are leaders.

These pictures just cheer me up and make my head feel better. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

This one cheers me up too.

Dear Gilles

2009-04-07T21:14:00.007-05:00

Dear Gilles,

Thank you so much for the lovely evening and I do appreciate all the calls and flowers but I must remind you that I am married! Happily married.

Your accent is very sexy while my husband frequently mumbles. So I have to give you a point there.

You are a wonderful dancer and I can't get my husband to spin me around the living room much less on a dance floor...so perhaps you get another point there also.

You have a body that any man would be envious of and, well, I'm not sure I can get my arms all the way around my husband anymore, so another mark goes in your column there too.

But...but...he's a wonderful father. Oh, you are too?

Okay, pick me up at 7:00 okay?

Love, Shawn

Update: We've been having a wonderful time out and about on the town. Here we are at some red carpet event, I forget which one, they all just run in together after awhile.

I can't remember where this was taken...must have just been strolling about. He was probably getting ready to feed me some grapes.

Humor equals intelligence!

2009-04-06T22:39:00.009-05:00

Isn't it nice when there is research that backs up just how smart we all are?

I mean WE know it but it's nice to have everyone know it also.

Apparently having a good sense of humor means we are intelligent and can find humor in a situation, relay that information in such a way that others find it funny...which means we are a bunch of MENSA bloggers! Woot!

Tomorrow, I'm on the ballot for the school board. I've been filling in a vacant position now for about 6 months and I actually like it.

Does that make me a big fish in a small pond?

Does this mean that I need to be on time and responsible?

Does this mean I need to be studious and start wearing glasses?

Nah, I think I might not talk about my blog very much in the community though! Bwahahahaha!

God made kids cute for a reason....

2009-04-06T00:14:00.000-05:00

I don't know if I'd survive this....

What's in a name?

2009-04-05T14:44:00.005-05:00

Would a rose by any other name still smell as sweet?

Okay, that's about the extent of my poetry but it leads me to this. Several of you have wondered about my name change. I used to be 'numberonesistah' and then I switched over to Shawn.

I was having an identity crisis. I do that sometimes. Usually when that happens I end up getting divorced and moving to another state and starting all over again. (Over-react? Moi? Surely you jest.) But this time I still kinda like the man I'm married to so it manifested as a bloggy name change.

Numberonesistah came out when I was just a lurker. You remember those days...the days before we made the great plunge head first into the Sea of Blog. The days we just crept up to the water and would dip a toe in with a comment now and then.

I started lurking on my sister's blog, The Color of Home. I'm her oldest sister..so numberonesistah was born. Welll..I have since surpassed her in followers. What? This isn't a followers contest? Oh, hush already..it's my blog, it can be a followers contest if I want it to be! So there.

It turns out that once I started blogging, I kinda used hers as a measuring stick. She's blogged for over a year and is hilariously funny and has 24 followers I think. I've been blogging a few months now and just hit 31. I know that shouldn't mean a darn thing but I have this warped little competitive streak that pops out around my family. Something about being the oldest perhaps...I don't know. Probably never will know since I gave up therapists a long time ago in favor of sarcasm and wine. Works much better for me.

Lo and behold..identity crisis. She's rarely blogging anymore. Numberonesistah was from lurking on HER blog. So one day...I just became me. Unfortunately, I just put my own name down. Those of you that read me know that I'm a bit of a ::cough:: smartass ::cough:: That was the best I could come up with?!

There are so many monikers out there I could have chosen! Crooked Dog Leg. Bat Shit Shawn. (Trust me, I heard 'shit, Shawn' a LOT while I was growing up.) I could have gone exotic, Bubbles Galore. Or realistic...Queen of All I Survey!

But I'm just Shawn. Shawn just kinda popped up there and I heard Meredith from Gray's Anatomy in my head. "Pick me. Choose me. Love me." So I did.

Update: Waaah! 30! I lost somebody. Wha..wha...what did I say? Gawd, I hope I don't turn into one of those women that show up at someone's workplace with snot and mascara running down her face wondering why she isn't loved anymore. Thank goodness I got some more wine the other day.

Wow, my eyeball just about popped out!

2009-04-03T21:53:00.013-05:00

Apparently there are a ton of people with their panties all in a twist because of this...personally I don't see a problem. These dogs are sure being taken care of and have tons of money spent on 'em. Better than my much-loved, overweight flea-bitten slobber maker I call Dog! BTW, this is call Extreme Grooming and there are major competitions. I've only just now found out about this. I really wish someone would get the memo that I'm supposed to be NOTIFIED when things like this are happening!

This is rather amazing what people can do with dog fur...but what do YOU all think? Cause it really is all about ya'll.

The Camel

St. Patrick's Day dog

Rooster Boy

Gone Fishin'

Ninja Turtle

Grapes

Wounded Soldier (he only has 3 legs)

Clydesdale

Peacock

Buffalo

Excuse me while I go pet my dog. I think he has a complex now.

Now THIS is what I went to school for!

2009-04-02T22:22:00.008-05:00

Years of college.

Decades of experience.

I can put in an IV with my eyes closed.

Two of me equal one of this guy.

My patients rejoice when I'm the nurse on duty.

But today, I have a new challenge.

One that is going to test every skill I possess.

One that could make or break my career.

I present to you....

Diesel the Yorkie!

Isn't this the saddest looking little sight you've ever seen?! (Click on him for a close-up. But make sure you are sitting down...and have a barf bag close by also, just in case.) Let me relate his tragic tale. He was born with his right eye all scratched from his uterine brothers and sisters. Already destined at birth to be a bit...one-sided.

Yesterday, his Rottweiler brother STEPPED on his head and POPPED his good eye right out of it's socket! Ewwww! Gross! Blech!

His loving parents scooped up the little guy and his human dad washed off the bugged out, exposed eyeball and off they headed to the vet. The vet then replaced the eyeball and SEWED the eyelids shut so that it can heal properly and hopefully retain his eyesight.

He's here tonight. In the hospital. With us. Blind.

Send the love.

I am NOT who you think I am...

2009-04-01T22:32:00.008-05:00

The prompt: What is a common misconception about you?

Mama Kat has a new assignment that is going to blow my cover. But, dedicated challenge writer than I am, I've decided to come clean.

I know that you all have known me as Shawn. The clumsy, silly, disorganized nurse that lives in a small town in Kansas....but am I really?

For years now, I've been living with this charade and I'm actually glad to step out of the shadow of my secret identity. It's a weight I've been dragging around for too long.

In the interest of national security though, I must not completely divulge my 'Super Hero' look, but I am one of these people. Which one do you think?

could be, could be...

put your eyeballs back in already for cryin' out loud...

Hey! It IS in the realm of possibility...

All right, who just snorted? I know I heard a snort. Sheesh.

He Loves Me!

2009-04-01T11:08:00.004-05:00

You guys should be so jealous! Remember that super cool, popular, good-looking guy that all the girls drooled after? Weellll, he's thinking of ME! So there.

He's the cream of the bovine crop lemme tell ya! Total yak-muffin.

I always knew stalking would get me everywhere.

I Wasn't Dating Him, I Swear! (or) Happy Birthday Sis!

2009-03-31T23:56:00.006-05:00

It's April Fool's Day and as much as I'd like to get down and dirty with some joke, instead I'm obligated to say Happy Birthday to my April Fool Sister.

I AM going to tell a story about her though just so we all know who we are talking about here.

I am the oldest of all the sisters but we were all a bit afraid of my sister Kelly. to begin with, she never forgot anything! This meant she was perfect for blackmailing any of us and I she certainly put that talent to us on me and my sister Tammy.

The story I'm going to tell though is this one. She used to date a guy named Heeberdee. (Yes, the name is changed to protect the guilty). Heeberdee and I were party buddies (and when I say party buddies, well, we really partied) Like, stay out all night and pass out somewhere type of party...but those days are long ago.

She became convinced that I was 'after' her boyfriend, Heeberdee. I tried to tell her that I wasn't, we were just friends. He was 2 years older than I was which meant he was 4 years older than her. (too old for her at that age anyway) And honestly, I really wasn't after him, we were just friends. She just didn't believe that though.

One day when I was getting off work and was on my way home, Kelly decided that she had had enough with her suspicions and was going to do something about it. She sure did. She laid in wait for me behind the front door with rolls of dimes in each hand. She punched me as soon as I came in, dimes when flying everywhere.

As the fists were flying so were her words. I really don't remember exactly what she said that day since I was quite busy with ducking and trying to save my life. They were something along the lines of 'This will teach you to mess with my man.' You know, the general suspicious girlfriend words while beating someone else's ass.

I ended up locking myself into a bathroom until she cooled down and I don't think she ever did believe that I wasn't after her boyfriend.

I think the fact that I moved in with him about a month later and eventually married him was part of the problem.

So, if you see my sister today, please wish her a Happy Birthday. And watch out for her left..it's a doozie.

Children: Free to Good Home

2009-03-30T22:42:00.006-05:00

Okay, the children have been home since Thursday after school. Friday was an in-service day. Then we had the Blizzard. Monday was cancelled and I've just found out that school in cancelled AGAIN for tomorrow!

Noooo! I'm ready for them to go back to school!

In the face of this new development, I got to thinking. (Hush, it's not ALL bad when I start thinking!) How would I go about advertising my children if I were to send them somewhere else for awhile? Truth in advertising? Go the route of used car salesmen and put the best possible spin on things?

I think I'll go with Pros and Cons:

Magnet: Almost 12 years old.

Pros:
1. Practically housebroken, rarely misses the toilet anymore.
2. Cooks his own macaroni and cheese.
3. Very smart.

Cons:
1. Has not understood the concept of a hamper yet, doubtful at this stage if he will.
2. While he does cook his mac and cheese, he doesn't put up any ingredients and often cooks the stirring utensils at the same time resulting in frequent smoke alarm sound-offs as well as warping all plastic cooking utensils.
3. Very smart in school, has yet to figure out that there is a time and place to just be quiet when mom 'gets that look'.

Another option is this one:

Alien: 10 years old.

Pros:
1. Young enough that he doesn't mind snuggling.
2. Quick to laugh at most anything.
3. Extremely sociable and makes friends easily.

Cons:
1. Being the second son, he does not have the ability to entertain himself and thus requires all those around him to participate in his activity of choice or suffer the whining consequences of not joining him.
2. Quick to laugh, and make noises, and fart while laughing, then snort, laugh with mouth full of food, chokes on said food and then laughs about it again, still laughs while being told not to do something. Convinced he's entirely too cute to ACTUALLY be in any sort of trouble.
3. Brings any friend he has made or just met or anyone that is tagging along with anyone that he has just met right over to the house and brings them into the bedroom where he then wakes you while you are sleeping with your nightgown twisted up around your waist so that he can ask if everyone can come in.

They both come with a bike that has a flat tire. multiple pairs of jeans with stains and holes in the knees, book bags that have a mysterious ability to lose library books and shoes with floppy laces.

AS IS condition and all returns will be accepted. Orthodontic work will be the responsibility of the accepting party. No exchanges. Thank you.

I'm Not Sure I Survived the Blizzard!

2009-03-30T09:05:00.005-05:00

Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me now. Is there anyone at all?

Or at least..anyone that can legally buy alcohol?

Someone who isn't a....

wild and crazy kid?

I think I've been snowed in too long. I have my internet back now so there is a glimmer of hope that my mind will return. I hope.

Snowed in and Low on my Wine!

2009-03-28T10:48:00.012-05:00

Here's hoping that my internet stays up long enough to post this. It's been really slow and spotty today. Can't imagine why. Oh..I'm low on wine also, please send one of these. Pronto.

Words can't even describe this. We received an official 28 inches I believe and the drifts...well see for yourself.

Remember that table in the backyard? Here it is as a reminder. Yes that is a Skull on there, wanna make sumpin of it? Bwahahaha.

Table? What table? We don't need to stinkin' table! Those arches there? That's the top of the firewood holder thingie. You can see it in the first photo.

Here's the 6 ft. fence, drifted nicely in front and up. Just thought that looks kinda weird and is my bet where the boys will start building their fort.

Remember those bikes that the boys never got put up? Bikes? What bikes? I can't even get out the front door much less worry about bikes!

Since I can't get out the door, here's a window view of the driveway. Yeah, that's my new van that's peeking outta the snow there. Da Man's van is totally covered over.

Here's part 2 now..since the internet was down and I couldn't get anything done! I just 'bout died. I never want to go through that again. Never.

Da Man shoveled us out at least to the street so we don't feel quite so isolated. Magnet helped hold the sides up.

Here's a view of the neighbor's house. Don't ya like how the drift almost reaches the roofline? Yeah. Thought you would.

And finally, the path to the front door. This definitely goes down as the Blizzard of '09.

Just make sure that you don't forget this guy. Please.

Snow? Snow?! You can't HANDLE the snow!

2009-03-27T22:42:00.004-05:00

This is my recipe for handling a foot of snow. 'Nuff said. (Yes, M.P. Mama, I'm a good Girl Scout and am always prepared!)

P.S. Magnet asked me if he could have some ice cream. I said he could but only after he brought me my bottle of wine so I could top off while I was curled up under the covers watching 3:10 to Yuma. Does that make me a bad mom or am I just training him to deal with women effectively in the future? Bwahahaha.

Snow Storm Update! Whoa!

2009-03-27T18:10:00.010-05:00

Grab some hot chocolate, bundle up in your favorite blanket and look what is going on now!

Just a few short hours ago, this is what we had. And now..this! It's getting hard to even see out there. I'm sure glad I don't have to try to drive in this stuff!

That nice little garden light...yeah, presto chango..and it's disappeared! BTW, that's a 36 inch T-ruler to that means that drift is ummm, someone do the math. It's deep is what it is! Heh. (You can click to make the pictures really big!)

Magnet decided to venture into the back yard to work on a snow fort. Snow fort in Magnet speech means "I'm going to track all over the yard and get as covered in snow as I possibly can so that I can come back in all frozen and melt all over the house while loudly demanding that you make me some hot chocolate with extra marshmallows."

Yeah, he's really learned how to condense down all of that in just two little words. Snow Fort.

He's going to be one of those strong, silent types.

Can't Buh-lieve What I'll do to Blog!

2009-03-27T14:54:00.007-05:00

Okay, I admit that I'm officially nuts, fried, cooked, turn me over I'm done. I went OUTSIDE in this cold, blowing snow and took pictures just for you. My wonderful blog family.

This is an overview of the on-going snowstorm here just looking out my front door towards the park. I hope all of you also have a couple of bicycles dumped in your front yard that weren't picked up by your children that claimed to take care of their bikes 'forever'. The wind is actually keeping a fair bit of it off the street. It's actually coming down pretty good right now, the picture just isn't really showing it.

Because, a lot of it is blowing up to my front door. Yes, I had to slog through a bit of this drift so I could show you my garden light and using a big T-ruler thingie I found to show a nice 12" drift. I searched for a regular ruler, they have apparently all been abducted by aliens.

Here's the back yard. Everyone has an old skull, sticks, stones and pop cans sitting on their patio tables right? Uhh...WHAT was that?

Yeah, it's a skull. With a stick for whittling around it. I did mention I'm the only female living full-time in a house of boys right? Pray for me.

I'll post some more pics of these same areas as it keeps coming in. We are still supposed to be getting 12" total and I don't think we're even close to that yet.

The Storm is Coming!

2009-03-26T22:58:00.003-05:00

Aaaahhhhhhh!

They are predicting anywhere between 8 to 24 inches of snow for my area!

I can't wait! I'm gonna make chili, chicken noodle soup, hot chocolate, pineapple upside down cake and roast some marshmallows!

Yeah yeah...food is what makes my world go 'round. Shaddup about that already.

We are gonna have fun though and I'm going to try to take pictures as it develops.

Woohoohoo!

The Big Fat Lie

2009-03-25T21:29:00.006-05:00

I love Mama Kat's Writing Assignments and then blending it with Thousand Word Thursdays. It really gets me thinking. The week the prompt that got my brain to percolating was:

#4. You can go back to your childhood for one day. What day and age do you choose?

I instantly jumped back to a fall day in 1976. I was 12 years old. We had moved from Oklahoma City to a tiny little town here in Kansas. I believe it had about 200 people. I became the paper girl that fall and had over 80 papers to deliver.

This little town had a beautiful old schoolhouse that had been closed a couple of years before. All the small towns were closing down and consolidating districts. Our bus driver, Mr. Jennings, was caretaker for this building and lived just next door.

One day, the 'gang', pretty much all the kids that lived in town, were playing over by the schoolhouse when we noticed that the back door was open that led into the gymnasium. We peeked in and were just so tempted to play in it. I wandered off a bit from the rest of the group when I found myself face to face with a man I hadn't ever seen before. He told me that he was staying over at the Jennings's house and it was fine if we wanted to go in and play for awhile.

I happily scampered back to the gang and let everyone know the good news! Off we went. We played basketball and dodge ball. We checked out the kitchen, which still had pots and pans in it! The classrooms still had desks and chalk and erasers. It was like a dream come true. This was the best way to play school ever! In a full stocked actual school house.

A couple of hours into this perfect play day, Mr. Jennings stopped by and was not very happy at all! He made all of us leave the school house, scolded us big time for making a mess and wanted to know WHO had said they could play in there. The kids parted as if they were the Red Sea and I was left facing Mr. Jennings.

I quickly told him about the man that had given us permission and he wanted to know more. What did he look like? Where exactly was he? Where had he gone? My brain just froze, I didn't know what he looked like, he was just a shadowy kinda guy. I was marched over to my house and my parents were then updated on the situation.

I was a good kid. I took care of my little sisters. I did what I was told. I was well-mannered. I told them about this man I had seen and talked to. I told them that he was a black man and I didn't know where he had gone after he talked to me. He had been standing in the shadows of the trees and so I really hadn't seen him that well, plus he had a hat on.

My dad drove around the small town looking for anyone out of place. No one had seen anyone unusual and certainly not a black man. (For a small town of 200 white people, he would have been noticed.) They came back to me and I could see confusion, uncertainty and skepticism in their eyes. They were beginning to doubt my story. They talked to me.

Mom: "Shawn, tell us again EXACTLY who you saw and what he said."

Mom: "He was standing where?"

Mom: "And you didn't get a good look at him because he was in the shadows and had a hat on hmm?"

Finally, I broke and all my words came out in a tearful rush.

Me: "I'msorryIjustwantedtoplayanditjustcameout."

Mom: "So, no black man?"

Me: "No. Idon'tknowwhyIsaidthatI'msosorryI'msosorry."

I was so ashamed of myself. It was the first time I had told a lie of this magnitude. The entire town knew I told a lie. My parents were embarrassed as well. To this day, I can't believe that I made up some mystery man and then turned him into a black man to take the fall.

If I could go back in time, I'd go back and NOT tell this lie.

(Later on, I'll have tell you about how I got really good at sneaking out and lying as a teenager though! hehe)

Inventors wanted! Puhleaze!

2009-03-24T14:25:00.011-05:00

I'm such a gadgetaholic. As many as I already have, I want even more, including some that I can't seem to find anywhere.

I want a washer/dryer system that runs itself. I'll take the time to sort things into various color bins plus a 'delicate' bin. But I think the system at that point then decides that there are enough clothes to do a load, runs it on the appropriate setting, shuttles it over to the dryer, folds it if it is towels or linens of some sort and sends a text message to the designated person that clothing items are ready to be folded or hung up. Of course, the clothes will be kept going on fluff until done so that there are no wrinkles.

I want a little vaccuum cleaner kinda like those little Goomba things they have but this one should have a scanner on it and if it approaches a smallish item, then an arm reaches out and picks up the item and deposits it in a basket. That way the vaccuum completely cleans the floor as well as picking up the mess.

Hmm..what else.

I wouldn't mind an automatic dog feeder/waterer with an extra attachment that sprays doggie cologne while the dog is eating. I have a really stinky dog..even after he's been freshly bathed.

I want a gadget that pinches people on the butt when they visit my blog and then leave without commenting! Bwahahaha!

Oh, and I want one of these too.

If I could choose a brand new career I'd like to be a poker player

2009-03-23T13:38:00.007-05:00

Yep, you heard me. Poker, I like it all. Stud, draw, hold-em, omaha...it's all fun. How cool would that be?! Oh, I'd definitely have to pick a cool poker name. I could be Dragon Lady! That sounds like a totally killer poker name doesn't it?

I'm way too cheap to play with my own money though, that could be a drawback. I love to drink also. Drinking while playing is usually frowned on also. I have to admit that the one time that I did play poker with real cash, I lost it all once I started drinking. I should have known better, I've always chosen lousy men also when I've been drinking!

I always wanted to be friends with Annie Duke also but after watching Celebrity Apprentice, I'm not so sure. She's awfully bossy. I could probably make her laugh though but if she didn't laugh and gave me that poker face, I'd totally cave. My mind would totally be going "uh oh, I thought that was funny. wasn't that funny? I don't think she thinks that was funny. man, what am I doing out here trying to make THE annie dukes laugh"

I quickly turn into a quivering pile of mush. Quivering Pile of Mush Lady just isn't nearly as impressive as Dragon Lady.

Now I totally have Kenny Roger's song in my head! Sing along with me!

You gotta know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

You never count your money
While you're sitting at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

By the way..is it just me but I liked the way he looked before he got all Michael Jackson on the plastic surgery thing. I couldn't even bring myself to post a picture of him the way he looks now. Gah.

I totally say totally too much.

The party is over

2009-03-22T21:55:00.002-05:00

Spring break has officially ended. The kids are back. School is scheduled for tomorrow. The house is a mess. No more running around the house nekkid.

I need a glass of wine.

I gots a brudder.

2009-03-21T21:09:00.006-05:00

Yep, I do. I also have 3 younger sisters which I had for a long time, then my mom ditched my dad and picked up another husband. She finally got her boy. It just took a new man to do it. So anyone out there with too many boys or girls..just change husbands. Works like a charm.

Anyway, this boy was born when I was 13 years old. Yep, I liked him pretty much. And yes, we traumatized him forever by playing baby doll with him. Something weird happened though by the time I was 18. He was 5 and such a little snot. All I can remember from him during those years is saying 'Duh' 'Doi' 'Du-uh' and various obnoxious noises like that. I had much cooler things to listen to so I wrote him off. Literally, I think for the next 18 years after that I still thought of him as that obnoxious little boy that got on my nerves.

Then he got married. Then he was talking to me about buying houses. And school districts. It was the biggest wake-up call ever! I was totally like "OMG! Who is this guy and why haven't I liked him before?"

Once when I living on my own in Oklahoma City, I came back home to find my door crashed in and things missing from the house. I called my brother and tearfully told him about it. I remember clearly, he only said once sentence to me as I cried on the phone to him. "I'm on my way."

I love my brudder.

Procrastination

2009-03-21T03:00:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to be nominated for the Nobel Prize for Procrastination.

I believe that this is a character trait that has been seriously undervalued for years.

Here an example to show you what I mean:

Penicillin was actually discovered by the procrastinating housekeeper. Yeah, sure, that other guy put it under the microscope but hey, it wouldn't have even have BEEN there if not for the bread that just hadn't been put back up.

Even this guy, a procrastinating eater.

I'm convinced I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I'm determinedly and faithfully putting of most every chore every day. I'm sure that I'll receive my notice of nomination any day now. Oh, I just realized...my mail is delivered to the post office and not to my home. Hmm..when did I get it picked up last?

PW's evil twin perhaps?

2009-03-20T00:57:00.004-05:00

I was just sitting here thinking. Yeah, I know it's dangerous when I do this but I can't help it. Anyway, this time my thoughts turned to 'What if I had a blog like PW's that had different categories to it, what would my categories be?'.

Yes, I often project myself into other people's lives. It's a gift and a curse at the same time.

Her little tabs to click on are: Confessions, Cooking, Photography, Home & Garden and Homeschooling.

Yes, she's very talented and if you don't read her blog I highly recommend it. Unless, like me you suffer from nevermeasureupitis and then she'll be sure to cause a flare up. She's beautiful and seems incredibly nice on top of it all. I bet she can even sing. I should hate her but I just can't bring myself to.

My tabs would be along the lines of: Bizarre Thoughts, Cooking while Searching for a Clean Bowl, Taking Pictures that Never Get Printed, The Unorganized House and Trying to get the Kids to Stay Outside (aka No Way Would I Homeschool).

Whaddya think? Can you see thousands of people swarming to my site to hang onto my every post like P-dub does? Hmm? No? Well, what about hundreds? Still no? Dozens? Tens? One? Surely I'll get the random clicker that accidentally lands on my site while googling the word 'Boobs'.

I can see it now. Bloggy awards showered upon me. Thousands, no millions of grateful women and even some men everywhere that no longer feel the pressure to do it all! I could have giveaways of lounging pajamas and clutter holders and my children!

Geez, I am a friggin' genius! Look out blogging world. Here I come!

Mama Kat's at it again!

2009-03-18T23:25:00.003-05:00

The prompt that I chose for this weeks writing challenge is:

List ten things you can do in three minutes. I'm assuming I have three minutes for each thing to be done and not 10 things within three minutes. That list would be quite different, maybe, maybe not. Oh, who knows.

Start an I.V.
Lose my keys, sunglasses and purse. (actually, I can do this one in less than a minute!)
Scan the entire 600 channels on TV.
Go from vertical and talking to horizontal and snoring.
I can mood swing from happy to being on the verge of crying to feeling okay again.
Down a frosty mug of red beer.
Walk to work. (this is actually a curse I think...too easy to call me in to work when I'm just across the street)
Change trains of thought a dozen times.
Whip out my laptop, hook up the power and the mouse and get logged on to Blogger.
Convince my husband that it really IS his turn to cook dinner!

Okie dokie. That does it for this week!

P.S. Soo sad about Natasha Richardson. She always seemed really cool and she was married to Liam Neeson with 2 boys...my prayers are with that family.

I know it's St. Patty's Day but the only thing in my head is wondering if boobs were like balls.

2009-03-17T07:26:00.005-05:00

First off, I have to admit. Scrotums are just kinda nasty. They are ugly as they can possibly be and to top that off, They Move. On Their Own.

No readjusting by the man that owns them, they just move if they get too hot or too cold.

My daughter had a hairless rat named Thad. I thought his name should have been Scrot for obvious reasons.

What if boobs were like that? Moving around on my chest depending on their temperature at the moment? I'd move to Alaska faster than someone could say Bra Size. My boobs all clenched high and tight up on my chest? In a heartbeat..cause the alternative would be a warm climate where they'd be wandering down and checking out my belly button. I tell ya, that would totally take the fun out of a belly shirt! Ewww.

Uh oh, I wonder if they'd be all wrinkled up though when they are holding on tight? Like a plum that has sat out too long and starts to turn into a prune? Not that MY boobs resemble plums in anyway, just in case you were wondering! Heh.

I'm so thankful that none of my body parts move unless I make them do so. There, now no matter WHAT is going on in your life, there is one thing that you can always be thankful for. And any guys that stumble across here (Jason and Marido...) all I can say is I'm really sorry that you had to read this.

Have a great St. Patty's day everyone. I'm coming back home today!

Happy Birthday to Da Man!

2009-03-16T08:41:00.002-05:00

He's in the shower right now and I've snuck onto the laptop! Muahahaha!

We are in the middle of Branson and having a wonderful time. I just wanted to make my official bloggy happy birthday announcement to him right quick as we head out for breakfast and then a movie and some shopping and a show tonight. Just regular old great day together without any kids tagging along.

We used to have a weekly date day where we would head out of town and do just this. Catch dinner, a movie, do some shopping. Lots of talking and debating about whatever subject was on NPR at the time. This feels like that and it's just great.

We even caught up with my sister, Harley Guy and Monkey Girl yesterday also. I'll have to have her send me a picture though cuz I forgot my camera out in the car.

Hope everyone has an awesome day!

It's 4 am in a hotel room

2009-03-14T04:34:00.004-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I hear ya'll out there saying "What in the H E double hockey sticks are you up doing at 4 am in a hotel room, you are supposed to be on your mini vacation woman?!" You don't think I hear you, but I do.

First, I just finished two 12 hour night shifts so my sleep pattern is a bit off. (ha! matches the rest of me!) I woke up about an hour ago since poor hubby is the county coroner (as one of his many duties) and he got a call about a fatal car wreck in our county. (Send out prayers for this family) My laptop was already up since he'd been surfing for our next hotel room while I was sleeping so I had to pop in and check news, play some poker and visit my buddies. There, nuff xsplainin'.

Guess what!? My sister, Tammy from The Color of Home, is going to be in the Branson area kinda around the same time as me! How cool is that. Now if I can only catch her then we'll be able to grab dinner or a show or something. No kids!

I don't know what I did, but I'm glad the karma bus is happy with me right now and giving me a ride instead of running me over!

Everyone have a fab day and I'll drink a margarita on the rocks tonight just for you..and you..and you over there. Not you though..oh, why not, you too!

Still happy dancing!

Yahoo! It's gonna be Party Time!

2009-03-13T02:53:00.003-05:00

I've been bummed lately. In a rut. Down in the mouth. Blue in the gills. Feeling like someone peed in my Cheerios.

But no more! Da Man and I suddenly realized that most of the kids were going to be G.O.N.E. over spring break leaving us with just Magnet and Alien. Wellhell! I can fix that! A quick phone call to Grandma and they are shipping out on Saturday.

So yeah, can you see where this is leading?! One entire week of no children! And even better, 3 entire days of Da Man and I together without kids and without work and travelling around to wherever we want to!

Sooo, what should we do? We are dropping kids off in central Missouri. Thoughts are perhaps to swing down to Branson and spend a long weekend. Maybe go up to Kansas City..I'm just plain old pumped to get away with him and just Do Something.

I'll bring my laptop with me and I'm sure that I'll have wireless somewhere or another...and so I'll update you on my various stages of giddiness!

Man...I feel so much better now! Taking a mini vacation is even better than a glass of wine (or four).

(as always, thanks Rick for the doodle!)

The One That Got Away

2009-03-12T03:26:00.003-05:00

Okay, this post is all Mama Kat's fault. If it was up to me, I'd have written something hilariously funny that would have had you chuckling all day and even periodically into next week. But noooo, Mama Kat didn't have that one in her list of writing prompts so instead I chose to write about the one that got away.

Rewind back about, oh, 7 years ago. Well before I met Da Man. I was (gasp) playing an online game that I really loved and had been playing off and on for several years. I separated from my husband. I caught up with an old friend from that online game and discovered that he also was going through a divorce. It's so weird to try to explain it except that it's similar to how you feel you get to know someone now through their blogs but it was even more intense then because things happened in real time. You could see how a person would react in different situations and how the humor could just bubble out spontaneously. I tell ya, this guy could crack me up like crazy and we totally got each other's silly side.

The big part of this was...get this...he lives in Australia. Yep, like on the other side of the world Australia. We still decided that perhaps we should meet in real life. He bought the ticket for me to go see him and while I was waffling about it, persuaded me with the argument that even if we didn't have any chemistry, then at least I'll have gotten a good, free vacation with someone that I knew I could at least get along with. Worrying about him being an axe murderer was just non-existent. I knew him too well.

So...off I flew. Just 3 weeks after the 9/11 attacks. Security was incredible and I had an entire trans-Pacific flight (there and back) with an entire row to myself and could stretch out full length. Not a bad way to fly.

We had an absolute blast. He took off the entire week from work and we toured Australia. Wine fields, strawberry fields, nature preserves. I held a koala and tried kangaroo steak. We went to the southern tip and saw seals playing in the rocks at the edge of the ocean. We went through street fairs and to the docks to pick out fresh fish for dinner. For a girl that lives in Kansas, it was a fairy tale place.

It was terrible leaving, we felt like we were meant for each other. He came to the States to see me twice in the months following. Hippie Chick used to bring her friends over and stare at him
and then command him to talk. They loved his Aussie accent. One trip we just stayed in my home town and remodeled my mother's bathroom. The second trip we travelled to the east coast and met up with some other friends we knew from the game. It was incredible fun.

We talked about marriage and citizenship, the works. My exhusband though was fighting for custody of the boys. It was a horrible ordeal that dragged through the courts for months. We knew he'd never agree to letting me take the boys to Australia and I knew I couldn't go without them.

So we agreed to split ways. To this day we remain email friends. He's had a serious relationship now for several years and knows that I have remarried. We still email although it is less and less as time goes by.

So, sorry for the serious post. Remember it is Mama Kat's fault.

Why I love Germans

2009-03-10T23:53:00.004-05:00

German Shepards that is. I guess Germans also, I AM 50% German but I don't know any of 'em from the old mother land. And the experience with my German father doesn't really predispose me to go seeking them out. He's a whole different post, trust me.

Anyway, back to my story. When I was little, we had a dog named Bud.

This dog looks remarkably like him. A wonderful German Shepard that was a little lighter in color than usual in the face and chest. I apparently napped on him, rode him as a horse and even would experiment with him. Like the time I wanted to see just how far my hand would go down his mouth...my mom caught me that time and she said Bud had this "Please make her stop" expression on his face.

He was very smart and very loving with us girls and Mom would send us out to play in the yard and tell Bud to keep an eye on us. I believe that dog understood every word she was saying.

Do you remember those old gas meters that would stick out above the ground? I used to think they looked a lot like a horse and loved to ride them. I was an imaginative kid...you wouldn't have guessed that about me would ya?

This particular metal horse was on the other side of the chain link fence that surrounded our yard. I was busily clambering over the fence to get to my darling race horse when I was grabbed from behind!

Yes, he had me by my panties and was holding on tight! I hollered at him to stop and let go, but to no avail. Bud paid absolutely no attention to my wails. Mom on the other hand, DID hear my yelling and was not very pleased to see that I had been attempting to scale the fence. Since I was caught in the act, I didn't have much leeway to wiggle out of it.

I bet Bud got some gravy mixed into his food that night.

Random and Just plain weird.

2009-03-10T01:05:00.003-05:00

I'm just rather scattered today (everyday) so I figured I'd share my erraticness, no erraticasy, no errati..weirdness with ya.

My cat loves going out into the garage but then scratches at the door to be let in and it always makes me think of that alien popping out of that guys chest in the first Alien movie. I still open the door but that is in my head. Does that mean I'm brave or stupid?

I wish I was June Cleaver-y. Then I realize I'm so far from June that I just say fuckit and turn on the TV and get a beer.

My youngest son informed me that girls have butts and sacks (with accompanying hands circling the chest motion)and boys have butts and sticks (with accompanying hand drawing a line in front of the pelvis motion). I could not keep a straight face.

I totally realized that I missed a school board meeting tonight about 2 hours AFTER I missed it.

I need a personal trainer, badly.

I'm still bummed that I didn't get picked to go to PW's ranch with Bakerella.

My husband had NO idea about the whole Jason/Melissa brouhaha. I had to update him. He thinks I'm crazy now.

I would really just like to find some sweet older lady that wants to adopt me and my family and would come in every day to clean and fix food for us all. Then I could pretend to be June Cleaver and be nice to my kids.

Denise Richards kinda sucked on Dancing with the Stars tonight and that made me feel a little better. I'm worried that I'm going to have to answer for that someday.

I had a dream that across the street from my house a man was making a nature preserve and everyday I'd walk across the street and look over his fence and see new animals. For days I'd watch giraffes arrive, then it would be a rhino but my favorite day was when 3 hippos arrived with little baby hippos behind them. I wonder what that means? I think it means I better get busier with my diet and exercise cause I'm going in the wrong direction.

My neighbor is inspiring. She's has terrible health problems lately involving surgery, near death ICU stays, a cancer diagnosis and various other ills yet she keeps smiling, keeps positive and is out walking on every nice day. I love her. She makes the best bread in the county also.

I wonder if the family dentist will take me on a vacation since I'm probably paying for a month long European family vacation for him with 2 kids in braces at the same time.

I'm hungry.

I love looking like a Genius!

2009-03-09T00:16:00.004-05:00

Which is what I have my kids convinced that I am. At least in picking out movies anyway. With the magic of the DVR, I'll record movies that I come across that I know they haven't seen. That is one benefit of being old(ish), I have seen a ton of dang movies.

Magnet likes to skate along the edge of his life with remarks like "Mom, if you saw this 20 years ago does that mean it is in black and white?" To him, I was born and raised in the black and white, dust-bowl, horse and buggy era of our country.

But back to the Genius portion..they are currently entranced watching none other than...

ENEMY MINE

Right up the alley for two 12 year olds and a 10 year old.

Last week they watched this classic

CITY SLICKERS

I AM the resident movie genius of this house. I'll accept my prize now.

To be a kid again (otherwise known as) To sleep outside without being drunk.

2009-03-06T22:57:00.008-06:00

My two youngest boys are sleeping outside tonight on the trampoline. They are bundled up in blankets and are lying under the clear night sky with a million stars overhead.

I kinda freaked out Magnet with the first photo. He didn't hear me coming outside.

Alien is already sound asleep buried in his pile of blankets.

The night is just wonderful, a soft breeze, mild temperatures. It's kinda tempting to join them.

I think the last time I slept outside, I had passed out on some lawn chair after drinking waaaay too much and woke up the next morning with a ton of little stripes across my face.

Just not the same.

What is it about the bad boys that makes the pulse race?

2009-03-06T02:44:00.004-06:00

Gordon Ramsey. Totally, positively, completely opposite from my dear husband in every which way imaginable. I love my husband totally. He's by far the best guy I've ever had the joy to be with and am thrilled to be spending the rest of my life with him.

I'm not a big cusser. I rarely drop the F-bomb. When I do cuss, it's generally for the humorous effect it has more than it's the way I normally talk.

Gordon swears A LOT. He throws things. He kicks things. He's very confrontational and in your face. There is also an occassional glimmer of a softer side to him. Particulary when you watch the Kitchen Nightmares series. I have a secret crush on him. I guess it's not so secret now though.

Does he affect anyone else like this? You know, kind of like you'd want to get into an argument with him because the make up sex would be something incredible? I know..that is so totally not me. I think I'm glad I don't know him and have about a snowball's chance in hell of ever meeting him...cause I'd probably be a goner.

I'm happy with my man.

I was gonna try...honest I was!

2009-03-05T23:03:00.003-06:00

I was all set to sit down and write just the most hilarious and completely relevant post that you have ever read. The kind that would just change your life.

But I got a glass of wine and am gonna watch a recorded Heroes instead. Will ya still love me anyway?

Mama Kat made me do it.

2009-03-05T01:38:00.002-06:00

She's making me write. She can be very determined. Okay, maybe she's not making me. But she is doing a writing kinda challenge thingie over at her blog and those sorts of things just kinda work their way under my skin after awhile. I've been watching her do this whole 'assignment' thing with this other thing she calls Mr. Linky. I know, she makes up funny names for things. Can't imagine what she would call her hubby's private parts. Mr. Woody? As in "Does Mr. Woody want to come out and play with Ms. Kitty?" Umm, how did I end up talking about this anyway? Oh yeah, she has this assignment thing.

Out of the topics I chose to tell you about is a memorable camping experience. So here goes.

Once upon a time in a far away land, a young man and a young woman decided to go camping. Being oh so young and fearless, they packed a small pup tent, a couple of sleeping bags, a cooler of beer, a bag of wacky tobacky and set off in an old boat of an Oldsmobile to the far off kingdom of Colorado.

The Colorado Kingdom was a beautiful land filled with snow-topped mountains, white-leaved aspen trees and bubbling brooks filled with flashing rainbow trout. The young woman named Shawn and the young man, named Ex #1, found an idyllic campsite next to one of these bubbling brooks and pitched that little pup tent of theirs. They discovered the next day that just on the other side of that clear creek started a large wildlife sanctuary and they counted themselves very very lucky to have picked just the perfect spot.

Days of idyllic camping followed, marred with frequent rainstorms. The rainstorms were weathered in the pup tent eating Oreos, smoking the wacky stuff, and amusing themselves with catching flies, putting them in baggies, blowing wacky smoke on 'em and proceeding to tie thread around a leg and letting them fly in circles on their little leash when they awoke. Ahh, good times were had.

One night though there was a sound outside the tent. A curious padding sound followed by some rattling. Shawn and Ex #1 were glad they had tied their food up high in a tree and snuggled down safely in the tent and waited for whatever creature was out there to pass them by. Five minutes passed, then ten. It may have even been up to an hour because time passes by at a different rate when you are alone in the woods late at night. A scream was heard! A shrill scream yet hoarse at the same time. Was someone in trouble? Was there anything they could do? Did they really hear anything after all? The rest of the night passed.

The following day dawned bright and clear. The snow glistened on the peak of the mountain that rose right before them. The young couple crossed the creek and started to hike up the mountain. The going was long, strenuous and absolutely beautiful. They followed a deer path that wound it's way upwards and crossed the occasional tiny brook that splashed it's way toward the larger stream. Upon crossing one of these small tributaries, the fresh carcass of a deer was found. It's neck had been torn open and something had been eating at the tender underbelly. Shawn and Ex #1 looked at each other and remembered the scream from the night before. A mountain lion had been close. The deer had been unlucky enough to meet it. Do all big cats scream when they've made the kill or did it scream to warn another creature away from it's treasure? The young couple shivered in spite of the warm sunlight.

They continued on their way, climbing and climbing and climbing. Hoof prints were clearly seen in the deer path they followed as they finally arrived at the tree line. The peak of the mountain was still far away but the view was incredible. Even more incredible was the large herd of elk that stood at the beginning of the snow cap further up the peak. Several large stags mildly looked back at the couple that emerged from the trees and must have realized they were not a threat as they calmly turned back to the herd and meandered on their way. Shawn and Ex #1 were struck silent with the beauty of the scene.

The climb became even more arduous when the trees disappeared. The path was slippery in spots and had little to grab hold onto for support but the pair persevered and emerged onto the snow-covered peak of the mountain. They stood there in silence for a long time gazing at the beauty before them. They scooped up snow and tasted it's freshness in the middle of July. The entire kingdom of Colorado seemed to stretch away before them.

It was a beautiful day. It was a camping experience they both would remember forever.

Oh, this picture. Nah, this totally isn't a picture of Shawn on that camping trip with the munchies. Nope. Oh, all right. It is. Now we all know where Hippie Child got it from!

My name is Shawn and I have saggy boobs.

2009-03-03T20:29:00.003-06:00

I realize that this is a subject rarely touched on but since this IS the blogging world and NO subject is sacred, I'm gonna touch it.

I've always wanted to be that person that sees the silver lining in all situations. If I can't be that person, then I'll be the person that finds something to laugh about in that situation. So here is the upside of saggy boobs (there's an oxymoron if you've ever heard one!).

I can carry an extra book or 3 ring binder when my hands are already full.

I can tie my hair back with my breasts when all of my rubber bands have broken.

I can truly 'slap someone silly'.

I can provide a nice breeze on a hot day for my family just by jumping up and down.

I can spin in a circle for a long time due to extra centrifugal force.

I can put any baby in the world to sleep just by laying them on my boobs.

Please help me add to this list. We must raise up the moods of big-breasted women everywhere! Let's show them our support!

Man's best friend!

2009-03-03T01:20:00.005-06:00

I saw this doodle and another blog that mentioned that yesterday was Dr. Seuss's birthday and this just bubbled out. I'm weird. I know. Just accept it.

Man's Best Friend

Dogs, dogs, all fur and big paws
Hot breath, long tongues and even some claws

They jump and they bark and they wag their long tails
They run really fast or dawdle like snails

They eat almost everything, they like it, they do
If they run out of food, they’ll chew up your shoe!

A sniff and a wriggle and a lick shows their love
Even for your little sister when push comes to shove

Sometimes they are dirty and even have fleas
Scratch their backs and their bellies and even their knees

They’re loving and faithful and loyal to the end
And we have to admit, they ARE man’s best friend.

(Pooch supplied by Rick at Organized Doodles! thanks Rick!)

Now this is MY kind of living will!

2009-03-01T19:59:00.004-06:00

I, Shawn AKA numberonesistah, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Diet Dr. Pepper
Chocolate
Hamburger
Sex
Red Beer
Cool Whip
Chocolate
Cheesecake
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Chinese food
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hearby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, kick the bucket, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing', and call it a day!
(totally stolen from Maxine!)

I love that swept away feeling

2009-03-01T00:12:00.005-06:00

that you get from reading a good book. I love just disappearing into the storyline and being part of the story. I love getting to know the characters and sometimes will feel quite sad when the story is over and I have to bid farewell to my friends.

I'm a fiction nut and primarily it's mysteries and thrillers. But one series I read really caught me up and there is a new one coming out soon! I can't wait! It's the 'Outlander' series by Diana Gabaldon. Have ya'll read them? I highly recommend them. I'm completely in love with a tall red-headed Scot named Jamie. Da Man would be on his own if Jamie was to show up and wanted to whisk me away! It gets pretty steamy in parts and is officially part of the 'historical romance' genre but lemme tell ya, it is an awesome series.

Of the classics, I'd have to say The Grapes of Wrath by Steinbeck is my favorite. Incredible story that one is.

One thing that I have always wished for my children is that they discover the joy of reading. I still remember the day that my daughter first became actually drawn into the book she was reading. It was Island of the Blue Dolphins and she cried when one of the main dolphins was killed in the story. She was in 3rd grade. Magnet was a little older, in 4th grade when he became lost in a story and it has yet to happen to Alien. He doesn't much like reading and only does it when he's forced to I'm afraid.

I could stay all day, no, an entire week curled up in a beautiful book-lined study.

So what are your favorite books?

Is this normal or is it just me?

2009-02-27T17:00:00.000-06:00

I always wonder just how bad of a housekeeper am I? So in the interest of full disclosure and hoping that I get some feedback, here is my dining room table at 2 am on Thursday night. Or early Friday morning, whichever floats your boat.

Now, I wish my table was nice and clean and had a pretty centerpiece on it. It does when I'm doing what I do, this is what it looks like when the 'boys' (including my husband) do what they do.

So what I want to know is this? What is on YOUR tables at 2 am? Mine has a full glass of milk left, several trivets, an iron, my purse, 2 remotes, a book, a paper plate, a flashlight, scissors and a pen down there by my purse. I also have chairs splayed all around and about a million handprints on the glass doors leading outside.

We are not going to investigate my laundry room. I can't get that real.

Spelling Bee 101

2009-02-27T05:00:00.000-06:00

Yep, it was time for the county spelling bee. Actually, it's the elementary and middle school spelling bee but since our county has such a small population, it's also the county spelling bee. So school, town and county spelling champ all in one shot!

Alien was so excited this year. It's the first year he was eligible and he was pumped! Magnet was very laid back this year. Didn't even go over any quiz words or anything. He has done this 2 previous times ya know...he's a well-experienced bee-er that has been around the block more than once!

The kids competing were 4th through 8th grade. Altogether 59 kids were lined up to compete and they were all given a practice word to begin with. Magnet sailed through his word with 'place'. Piece of cake. Alien has nervous as he stepped to the microphone but got 'month' without a hitch.

Okay, now time for the real thing. Round 1 has commenced and there are a few casualties. Magnet steps up to the microphone. His word is 'temper'. He spells out T. E. M. P. U. R. E.

Huh? This is my kiddo that had a 10th grade reading level in the 2nd grade? I think he was just a bit too laid back this year. He's giving me this look cause I'm getting onto him about picking his new wires on his braces. Don't even ask me about his wires and brackets and how many extra trips we have to take back to the dentist. He's lucky he's still alive right now.

So back to the bee. Alien's word is 'graze'. G R A Z E. Easy peasey. Round 2 comes around and kids are starting to drop like flies. Alien's word is 'nurse'. His sentence was "Your mother is a nurse at the hospital." People around me snickered cause shore'nuff, I'm a nurse at the hospital. Again, the kid got it right.

Round 3. His word is 'platoon'. Now this one is a bit tougher for him and I didn't know if he had seen this one before. He spells P L U T I N E. Down he goes but he gave it a good shot. He was pretty bummed at first.

Then he remembered that he had gotten farther than his brother. All was right in the world after all. Just an FYI, a 4th grader ended up winning the bee, for the first time in our county's history! I wish I had a video of how excited the 4th grade class was. The boys were all pumping their arms with every correctly spelled word! It was pretty awesome. I love small towns.

You'll never look at a lumber yard the same!

2009-02-26T03:39:00.005-06:00

This isn't quite a Code Springer, it's more in the land of OMG! I can't believe that actually happened!

Way back and forever ago, I was such a nice young nurse. Very sweet, very caring. It's rather amazing how much more obnoxious we get (or maybe it's just me) as we get more experienced in the nursing field. Personally, I blame it on the doctor's we have to work with. There are great ones, don't get me wrong, but boy oh boy, there are some real doozies also. Anyway, I digress.

I worked with this Jamaican nurse who had been trained in England. The most fabulous accent. Gawd, I could have listened to her talk all day. She was a very experienced nurse. She would say absolutely anything to anybody. She used to pull the OB/Gyn's scrub pants up when he was bent over and showing a plumber's crack. Yep. And this was even in the day when we were supposed to give up our seat if the Doctor (capital D you notice) showed up. I really liked her.

So, to my story. Picture a 300+ pound woman in labor. I have nothing against big women. Hell, I'm turning into one myself I'm afraid. Gah..but that's another story that requires lots and lots of alcohol.

This big woman has this little stick of a husband. Isn't it odd how that seems to happen? But this woman is so big that it takes Three of us just to check her for dilation. Yep, one pulling up one thigh, the other holding up the other thigh, while the nurse actually checking her digs in her feet and shoves up the belly flap so she can get to where she needs to go.

You all picturing this right? Disturbing, I know. I apologize.

Jamaican nurse is the one doing the actual checking and she looks at this woman and says "Honey, it takes three of us to just check you. How in the world did you even get pregnant?"

I about died. Remember, I was shy and sweet back then. Now, I probably would have asked the same thing.

It didn't faze this lady in the least. In fact, she was quite open about how this actually occurred.

"Oh, that's easy. I covered a piece of wood with fabric and when we are ready to have sex, I just put the wood under my belly and pull it up."

Of course, that left the thigh problem but my imagination quickly filled in the skinny little husband just wedging himself in there to do the deed.

So now I ask you, do you think the smell of cedar was a turn on? Does this give new meaning to the term 'morning wood'?

Do you think you'll ever walk through a lumber yard again without thinking of this story?

A letter from home

2009-02-25T10:38:00.002-06:00

Dear Shawn,

I miss you. Don’t you love me anymore? I remember the days when you used to wander through my rooms dreaming of things that we could do together. Ways to grow and improve. Projects that we would tackle together. Have you forgotten all of our plans?

You used to vacuum me at least once a week and let’s not forget those incredible dusting sessions. You would lovingly run your hands across my sills, counters and sometimes even my baseboards! I loved that. I miss that.

Yes, yes, I hear you talking about how you are working and that the whole family is supposed to be caring for me now, but things just aren’t the same. I try to love those boys but they climb on my banisters and are always slamming my doors. You know how I hate having my doors slammed.

I hope that we can work this out. I don’t want things to get nasty. I don’t want to do this but I’m forced to say that if you don’t start caressing me again as only you can do, I’ll have to start emitting odors from hard to find places. I might have to clog a few sinks and let mice back into the house. Do not force me to throw some breakers here.

I love you. I want you back. You know the males in this house just don’t clean me like you do. I’ll be waiting patiently for you.

Sincerely,

Your forgiving though filthy house.

Just call me a pimp! Wowza!

2009-02-25T05:00:00.000-06:00

And I will pimp my everlovin' heart out. Oh yes I will.

So anyone that stumbled across me, yes you, the one that accidentally clicked to get here and is now groaning loudly enough that I can hear you in Kansas. Yes, I can hear you. Get your butts straight over to Kate, the wonder Country Girl.

You see, she has this super awesome giveaway thing going on with these super awesome photos that she took and I strained my brain for 14 WHOLE minutes going over all of them to come up with the one I like. And I really like it. I really like that other one too..but no, I'm sticking with that first one. I think.

Anyway, if I pimp for her, I get an extra shot! Woohoo! Weehee! DeedleDoDah Unh!

Is turning me into a pimp illegal? Just asking.

I've found my perfect place!

2009-02-24T20:52:00.004-06:00

Well, once I finish getting the hang of it that is. The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma posted her results of this little quiz on her blog. She would have been a cartographer. I know. Weird. Who'da thunk THAT was what she'd be! Anyway, she peaked my curiosity and I just had to see what my medieval profession would have been.

I was hoping it wasn't going to be the Village Idiot.

Here's my results, minus the lovely fonts and spacing that the actual page had because I haven't yet figured out how to bring that back over here. Just read already, it says I'd be a wordsmith, not a magician! Geez Louise.

What's Your Medieval Profession?
You Are a Playwright

You are a highly literate wordsmith. You love both reading and writing.
You are also a natural storyteller. You can turn a mediocre anecdote into a riveting tale.

You find people and all aspects of life fascinating. No topic is off limits for you.
In modern times, you would make a good filmmaker or novelist.

Soo, fast forward that into the 'communication' age and voila! You have a blogger!

Yay, no wonder that fingers fit this keyboard so well. No wonder that my brain just fizzes with ideas of things to do. No wonder my butt...never mind.

Now, I'm off to catch up on everyone else's minutia of their lives, gripes, joys, dramas and laughs in their own blogs!

Fare Thee Well all ye Lords and Ladies!

Oh for cryin' out loud!

2009-02-24T10:12:00.003-06:00

I started off this morning so good. I saw my children off to school and didn't even yell at them once! I ran the dishwasher and got my kitchen all spic and span. I even got a roast out and started percolating it in the trusty old crockpot.

So here I sit, going over all these lovely blogs I follow and eating a slice of pumpkin bread when all of a sudden...

I get this feeling.

Like I've forgotten something.

Don't you hate that feeling?

When I glance over and see this.

I think I'm going to go back to bed now. I'm too young for Alzheimer's right? Hello? Did I turn this thing on?

Shawn needs.....

2009-02-23T18:26:00.002-06:00

Mental P Mama put this meme on her blog that tells you to put your name followed by 'needs' in google and then list the first 10 things that come up. It's quite funny what happens. Here's mine:

1. Shawn needs to decide who she wants to spend her life with. Nope, already did that!

2. Shawn needs to thermodynamically crystallize. That's just what I was thinking!

3. Shawn needs to pee. Duh!

4. Shawn needs to communicate her wants. On a daily basis!

5. Shawn needs 5000 cakes!! Oh man...do I really really need those?

6. Shawn needs to improve education. I'm trying already! Sheesh, I'm on the school board for Pete's sake.

7. Shawn needs ecological research. Yes I do! I'm going to be the one that figures out the ecological answers and all mankind will bow down before me! Muahahaha!

8. Shawn needs multi-angle remote sensing data. For that ecological research..

9. Shawn needs help in changing the batteries. Damn, that remote sensor is tricky!

10. Shawn needs to question why the City needs this service. What? The city doesn't think we need it?!

Hehehe, that was fun. Once I started commenting on them, I was surprised about how they seemed to relate. Thanks Mental P!

Pet Peeve #247

2009-02-23T05:23:00.003-06:00

Okay, I find myself the only woman in a house of various ages of the male variety.

Am I the only one that has figured out that if you don't rinse off MOST of the crap that is on the dishes BEFORE you put them in, that the crap will just fly around inside there and dry into cement on the most hard to scrape off spot that can be found?

I mean..come on! We don't have the ultra deluxe souped up fantabulous dishwasher with 8 million spray jets and a garbage disposal built in and little elves that pop in and make sure every dish is sparkling clean when the cycle is finished.

Sometimes they do the dishes, sometimes they even put them up. 99.5% of the time that those two things occur, it is followed with me taking down dish after dish after glass after glass with dried on stuck on whoknowswhat on it.

I am so tempted to work an extra shift a week and hire a housekeeper! It totally defeats the point of having the 'whole family' help keep up with chores around the house, but it sure would do wonders for my blood pressure!

Another quick Code Springer

2009-02-21T09:05:00.003-06:00

Of course there was the time that Woman in Labor - Amy showed up with PoDunk boyfriend.

During the course of filling out the paperwork, (that darn paperwork), we discovered that PoDunk had the same information that Woman in Labor - Becky had given us earlier.

Anticipating that this could be a problem, me and the other labor nurse devised a system so that we would alternate times walking in the hall to avoid a potential Woman in Labor - Amy/Becky brawl.

We shouldn't have worried. PoDunk discovered Becky and was thrilled to run between ex-girlfriend Becky's room and current girl-friend Amy's room while they were both in labor with his children.

The girls were sweet. PoDunk was missing some teeth.

We called a Code Springer

Code Springer

2009-02-20T23:21:00.002-06:00

Code Red - Fire

Code Blue - Cardiac Arrest

Code Black - Disaster of some sort

Nurses, paramedics, medical people in general..we have lots of 'Code' names. The ones above, you probably have heard at some point. The one you haven't is Code Springer.

A Code Springer is called when there is a situation occurring in the hospital (or 'on the floor' in nurse-speak) that is worthy of a Jerry Springer show. You would be surprised how often this happens.

I've decided to start sharing the odd story here and there with you, my readers. Because if I have to live with these in my head, then you do too.

Now before anyone starts going all crazy and yelling about HIPPA (health information patient privacy act or something along those lines) let me just tell ya that I have been a nurse for almost 24 years in 4 different states including major metropolises so no one is going to know who, where or when any of these occurred. Names will be changed to protect the guilty. I just couldn't bring myself to say innocent. Well, see for yourself.

A young woman was in labor. Her first child. A really big guy was with her and was doing quite well being supportive during her labor pains. We began discussing what her expectations were so that we could try to provide the best experience we could. Nurses are generally kinda weird that way. We like to help.

We also start on various paperwork while things are in the early stages...start filling out parental information on birth certificates, things like that. I asked 'dad' for some of his information.

Woman: "Oh no, he's not the father."

Okay, things like that happen. No problem. She is married though so I need her husbands information for the paperwork.

Woman: "Do you need my husband's information or the father of baby? And I don't want that man in here you know."

Me: "Which one do you not want in here?"

Woman: "Actually, I don't want either one in here. But the father is getting out of jail today and he'll probably find out that I'm in here."

Me: "Interesting. Does you husband know that you are here?"

It turns out that this woman was still currently married, had affair with guy #1, gotten pregnant, had affair with guy #2, they fought and guy #1 beats the crap out of guy #2, guy #1 is thrown in jail, guy #2 decides beating wasn't worth it and leaves, husband discovers that he's probably not the father, she goes into labor with current guy #3 on the day that guy #1 is due out of jail. Guy #3 tells me not to worry because if he shows up, he'll take care of him himself. Yeah, that made me feel better.

Code Springer was called.

The story ends with jail guy not showing up, husband showing up and begging for wife to come back to him, no sign of guy #2, guy #3 in and out, just missing husband and falling in love with a baby that isn't his. I still look for them when I click past Jerry sometimes.

My sisters and Sistahs!

2009-02-19T21:57:00.005-06:00

Let me tell ya about my Sistahs.

Three years ago last Christmas, my sisters had a fight. Not a brawl but an all-out email, phone call fight. My internet was down for a week during this time so I basically was left out of it..thank goodness! By the time I was back in cyberspace, everyone was making up and deciding that we need to all get together for just some Sister-Time. No husbands, no kids. We were only seeing each other at major holidays and it is always so hectic then that it wasn't like we were really SEEING each other. Ya know what I mean?

So our Sister Trip was born. The 4 of us went to Florida that first year and spent a long weekend with a great friend of ours, Chief Chick. It was fabulous. Her husband and son were very welcoming also and we lounged around their pool, drank waaay too much, ate fabulously and laughed our asses off almost the entire time. Chief Chick was adopted at that point as an honorary Sistah. (She also threatened to kill us if we didn't include her in any future sister trips!)

The following year we expanded on the Sistah Trip idea and decided everyone was responsible to invite one person. A low-maintenance, no-drama, cussin', drinking, smart ass woman. No kids, no penises allowed. We rented a beach house on Dauphin Island off the coast of Alabama and had one of the best times I have ever had in my life.

What brought all of this up is not only are we in the process of planning our upcoming Sistah Trip this May, but one of my Sistahs sent me a bracelet that I had admired at our last trip and I received it today. I don't have my camera with me since I'm at work right now but will post a pic of it later.

She had this wonderful card with it saying that she had purchased it at the end of the last trip but had promptly lost it when she got home. She was cleaning out her dresser not long ago and came across it and so she sent it to me. I'm so truly touched. It's a beautiful little bracelet that reminds me of the beach and the ocean.

So this post is in honor of my Sistahs. My chosen family. Women that are just like me. We forget things, lose things, wonder how many days of future therapy are we inflicting upon our children! We drink, cuss, laugh and if one of us is having a bad time of it..we tell them that "whew, I thought my life sucked but yours is much worse!" And then we pour them a drink. We would all definitely show up with shovels if one of us killed a husband and then decide if any of the others needed killing also. We are protective of each other. We are real.

A New Family I Love More!

2009-02-17T19:28:00.004-06:00

Why do we do this? Blogging, I mean.

Do we do it for the sheer joy of keeping family members updated on our children? Do we do it to make other people laugh out loud at some of our silly memories? Do we do it for the money? No. No. And Gawd, I wish that was the case.

We do it for the comments most of the time. In the hospital, I'm an adrenaline junkie. I love the rush of emergencies. In cyberspace, I'm a comment junkie.

Yes, I hear you all out there muttering..."But Shawn, you've only been blogging for a month for Pete's sake! What were you expecting? To be P-Dub in no time flat?"

Umm. Yeah, actually! I never said I had realistic expectations! Just ask my previous husbands! On second thought, don't ask them. They lie.

I just trying to put a little flame to the feet of those that KNOW me, you know, the family and friends that I originally started this for. The ones that I see peeking in on a regular basis. The ones that NEVER leave me comments. And 'But Shawn, I left one for you 3 weeks ago' doesn't count.

So my new family is Staci and Snooty. You two consistently read me AND comment and I love you for it! So make space on your mantle for my picture because I am nominating myself as part of your family and I'm adopting you are part of mine. The part that (for right now) I'm loving more than my own.

Ha! So there ya go fam damily! Whatcha think of that!

P.S. Have I mentioned that I never did get my wine from the other night..and I'm having to work an extra shift...and I'm not losing weight like I wanted...and I'm on the cranky side right now? I didn't? Did you already figure that part out?

What a day! Alien's birthday!

2009-02-16T20:49:00.010-06:00

I can't believe my baby is 10 years old. That means I definitely can't blame my weight on him anymore. Drat and double drat.

This year he got to choose 2 friends to accompany him on an out-of-town fun trip. Since our town is only 600 people, if you want to do anything fun, it's pretty much out of town. He chose Steven and Katie. They had a blast!

We spent the majority of the afternoon at the skating rink where they skated their hearts out.

Of course, it took a few times around the rink before they got their 'skating legs'.

Before we hit the rink, we headed to Pizza Hut. Nothing beats pizza on your birthday except pizza on your birthday with your best friend!

Even better, pizza on your birthday with your best friend WHILE making faces at your mom! I told them their faces would freeze that way and they did! Didn't wear off until after the waitress walked away with a very odd expression on her own face. Must have been catching.

Friend presents came during skating.

And cotton candy. I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to trapping myself all day with 3 ten year olds on a huge sugar rush.

After skating, we hit Granny's house for cupcakes and milk. Went to McDonalds and picnicked at the park where they were able to run off some of that sugar they had consumed. No pictures though, I left my spare batteries on the kitchen counter. Nicely charged up though. That's partial credit right?

Then back home again after a very loooonng hour long ride home. Alien was so jazzed up that his voice volume did not have a 'lower' to it at all. Louder and louder and louder. I dreamed of my wine all the way back.

Kids are dropped off and we are back home again. For the final round of the 'birthday show'.

The real cake. With TEN candles on it. Double digits dude! A whole decade! Wow..umm.. damn..why did I say that? I feel really old now.

Then our presents which the big prize of the evening was a tie between the new Nintendo DS 'briefcase' with lots of extra supplies in it or the remote control boat that his grandparents got him. He's looking forward to using that on our lake before long. Preferable when it is warm enough to get into the water to rescue the boat from wherever he strands it at!

Well, that was my day. How was yours?

Valentine's day Someone Special Tag

2009-02-15T15:04:00.004-06:00

Jason at The Jason Show kinda sort tagged me with this (in the same way he was kinda sorta tagged I think)! I thought it was a good way to love up on my hubby so I grabbed it.

Here's the card that he got me for Valentine's Day. He usually gets me serious cards and this year it's humorous and I love it! It shows a man doing various things during the card and says:

For My Wife on Valentine's Day
When something needs doing,
I don't always do it...
When something needs fixing,
I don't hop right to it... this part is very true! ;o)

When the checkbook's a mess,
I may throw a fit...
When the going gets tough,
I've been known to quit... this part isn't accurate, but I enjoy the rhyme

When I shampoo and shave,
I may splash up the floor...
And the junk I collect
may spoil our decor... Very true! just wait until I tell you guys about his junk!

When I start off each day,
I don't always smile...
When we step out to dine,
it may not be in style... Yep, diners, buffets but we DO go out and I'm not complainin'!
I may have my faults,
but one thing's sure true...
I did something right
when I married You! Aww, how sweet!

Love, Da Man

1. Husband's name: Dan aka Da Man

2. How long have you been married? 2 1/2 years

3. How long did you date? 1 1/2 years

4. How old is he? coming up on 52nd birthday

5. Who eats more sweets? He does. I go in spurts with chocolate candy but he's consistent, especially with ice cream.

6. Who is the better singer? He is. I can make dogs howl, he's in the community choir.

7. Who is smarter? Ohh..quite the question. He's the first man I've ever been with that I can honestly say is intellectually smarter than I am. I think I'm smarter socially and emotionally...does that make sense?

8. Who does the laundry? We all do our own. Even getting the kids to start doing their own also. I tend to do the extras..towels and linens.

9. Who pays the bills? He does. Thank goodness. I hate dealing with bills, insurance. Bleh.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Me. I'm deaf in my left ear and this way I can sleep on my 'good' ear while being able to stick various body parts out into the cold air while I'm bundled up under the covers! It works great, I often don't hear storms, snoring, the various rustles of the night (or day!)

11. Who mows the lawn? He does, but now that The Dude is living with us, he might be doing some of that now.

12. Who cooks dinner? We split it. I tend to cook on the weekends. He cooks 3 of the weeknights and The Dude has 2 nights that he works on his cooking skills.

13. Who drives? We both drive our own vans. Mine is new...it took over a month before I let him drive it also! lol

14. Who is the first to say they are wrong? I am. Honestly, I hate to say this. He's rarely wrong. So, I've gotten better at it.

15. Who kissed who first? It was a mutual 'lean-in'.

16. Who asked who out first? I asked him out..three times before he said yes! He had good excuses why he couldn't go each time which is why I kept trying, but had decided after three times that I had reached my limit. He called me and asked me out for our first actual date.

17. Who wears the pants? Good question. Actually I think we are both in shorts. We make decisions equally, he generally takes the lead in financial decisions and I take the lead in social decisions. We talk things over and come to an agreement. That's the way it should be right?

Hmm..I'm glad that I did this, makes me realize what a great guy I have. 'Bout damn time, took me three tries to find him! I tossed two other hubs back into the sea before I found this keeper!

Feel free to take this meme if you'd like. It's a bit of a free-for-all.

Does it get any better?

2009-02-15T06:58:00.002-06:00

Mmm..it's early and dark and quiet in the house. All the children and the husband are still asleep. The cat is purring at my feet. The coffee is hot and made with french vanilla creamer just the way I like it.

I think the still of the morning, the calm before the storm of the day...that's the best time to realize just how lucky we are. I have a starring role in this family of ours and while it has had it's ups and downs, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Thinking of my dad...

2009-02-13T20:28:00.007-06:00

My dad has been on my mind lately. He's my stepfather legally but in every way that really matters, he's my dad. A post by Snooty Primadona got me thinking about some of the stuff that he did when I was a teenager still living at home.

Let me preface these by showing you my dad. He's one of those hard-working men who looks older than he actually is. He married my mom after knowing her for 3, yes, THREE weeks and she already had 4, yes, FOUR daughters! He was only 26 years old. We turned him gray-headed in two years flat.

I have three stories I want to share. The first is how protective he was, the second is the 'dad' story of when he flat out caught me doing wrong, and the last is when he was having fun but embarrased the crapola out of me. I still laugh to think of the last one.

I was 11 when they got married and by the time that boys were interested in me, boys were interested in several of my younger sisters as well. He was the only man in the house until my little brother was born and sorry bro, but baby boys don't really count in the man-count. Anyway, as the various stud-muffins of our little town would drop by to pick us up, my dad would very oddly pick that very time to clean his shotgun in the living room. He wouldn't ever say much..just clean his gun..stare at the boy that was brave enough to cross into the entryway..and ask him if knew how to tell time. "I expect her back by 11:00." That was it but let me tell ya, it was certainly 'nuff said ya know what I mean?! I actually felt bad for those guys...not that it was what lead me to sneaking outta the house later to meet these boys a couple of years later. Oh..did I actually type that out-loud? Oh well, I'm 45. I can't get grounded now. Right? Right?

Another time that is engraved in my memory is when I was at a wrestling match with some friends of mine and we decided to go 'cruise first street'. That of course is the primary socializing activity for my small hometown in Kansas. I wasn't supposed to leave the wrestling match though. And of course..what always happens when you are doing something you aren't supposed to do? Yep, you drive right past your dad going the opposite direction and see him do a U-turn in the rear-view mirror. At this point, my incredibly quick thinking friends yelled "Lose him"! I immediately turned into a shortcut through the hospital parking lot and hit the gas. I veered through there and came out the back street. I made a few more quick turns and lo and behold! there he was again! Right behind us! I made one more quick turn...and I should tell you now that we had a big snowstorm a day or so before...the car slid on the snow and ice and headed nose-first into a big snowbank. I was stuck. It was total silence in that car. My dad stopped his truck behind me and when he got out..I swear to God, the man was 9 foot tall! He walked up, opened the door and said "Get in the truck now." Me and my two girlfriends scrambled out and into his truck, the silence continued. He drove back to the high school where 4 more words were spoken. "Get out. Not you." My friends looked at my like they knew they would never see me again. I didn't think I'd ever be seen again. He drove me home and again he spoke. "Give me your driver's license." I did. I got out and he drove off. I knew my execution was delayed long enough for him to think about which method would derive the most amount of torture for me.
He apparently drove to my mom's shop and told her what happened while shaking my license in the air. He wanted to burn it then and there. She laughed. Yes, my dear mother who loves me more than anything, laughed. I think that probably didn't help my cause at that point. She had told him earlier that I was going to the match and than she had told me that I could go get a drink in town if I wanted. She didn't tell me that but she told him that. But..I panicked and tried to outrun him, thereby sealing my fate and future execution. Needless to say, I did survive that incident and did eventually get my license back. I think I was grounded about 2 months and didn't have my car the whole time. He became a legend in my school.

My last story that I want to tell you about is when he embarrassed me. Back in the day, you could be 18 to go into a bar. My mom bartended for a short time at one of the local nightclubs and I'd go in to see her now and then. One weekend night I was there chatting with her and a bunch of the locals. My dad was there also and there was quite the party going on. I was out dancing and having lots of fun when I realized that my dad was out dancing with one of my parent's friends also. My dad can't dance. Let me restate that..the man cannot dance. To make matters worse, a neighbor at the bar is laughing at his dancing antics and yells at him "Get down and dance!" My dad...LAID down on the dance floor and wiggled all over! Everyone was laughing and I was trying my very best to melt into the wall so no one would realize that he was in my family! Looking back on it now, I'd probably do exactly what he did! Life is about having fun. Being smack dab in teenage angst and self esteem issues, I thought I was going to die. Now..it's one of my favorite memories of him. Laughing and 'dancing' on the floor with my mom laughing while rolling her eyes at her silly husband.

I love you and I'm thinking of you.
Shawn

Alien's Homemade Essay Assignment

2009-02-12T20:01:00.004-06:00

My dear youngest son, Alien, has been going through a bit of a rough patch these past few weeks (could be months). Granted, he's 9 years old. He's in the 4th grade. He's a boy. He's also firmly feels that he is the Center Of The Universe and has absolutely no thought to anyone else at this time. No matter if someone is in the middle of a show or a game, when HE wants to watch or play something else. No matter if someone is sound asleep and HE needs to tell them that the dog just did something funny. No matter if...well, you get the picture.

I had finally had my limit the other day and so I told him what I was going to have him do. He had to write a page for me about what a family is, what being in a family means, how has he currently been acting and what was he going to do to be better.

This is what I got: (spelling and syntax is his)

First of all a family has to work together, and not fight and stuff. Help each other, try to be good freinds, be happy, have a happy life.

I have been acting horrible and not acting like a normal person.

I have been screaming, yelling, bosy, mean, not truthful.

I'm NOT going to be screaming, yelling, bosy, mean, I AM going to be truthful, nice, peaceful.

Have I mentioned that he has got a heart of gold and is always the one that notices any little change. I could have fixed my hair different, be wearing a new shirt, have earrings on that I haven't worn in a long while...and HE'S the one that notices. He's the one that runs up to give me a hug first and tell me how much he loves me. He's the one that feels just heart-broken if he thinks he has disappointed me or his dad or his grandparents. He's my wonderful little Alien.

Glad to be working

2009-02-12T00:09:00.002-06:00

I've been a nurse for such a long time. It will be 24 years in May. I've been one of the lucky ones that has generally loved what I do most of the time. I have to say though now, I'm even happier that 1. I'm working and 2. I love what I do.

In these times how many of us can say that? I'm blessed and very thankful.

Concession stands

2009-02-10T17:41:00.004-06:00

They take a lot of work and cooperation to run. Somehow I ended up saying I'd help get the concession stand ready for the basketball game today and while it was fun, it's a lot of work!

Alien had fun sitting with his friend Emily and starting his endless cycle of munching. It starts innocently enough with a request for root beer.

I'm done though now and back to wonderful laptop and I feel back at home again! Ahh!

The walls have ears

2009-02-09T19:37:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine emailed me some jokes today which just cracked me up. Da Man was sitting over at his computer across the room playing hearts, his new game obsession at the moment. I read this particular joke out loud to him.

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners , asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table," said the teacher.

Then she asked, "And you, Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said, "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine , whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

Funny right, I thought so also. I was still enjoying the chuckle when Alien walked up and said he heard that joke and knew what it meant. I tried quickly to distract him with his undone chores, didn't he need a shower, did he have his clothes laid out for tomorrow, oh look, there's Elvis. To no avail. He said, 'shake hands with his dear friend right...the toilet!' Whew...I fainted.

PeeWee Basketball

2009-02-07T21:31:00.014-06:00

This is the story of my youngest son, Alien. Today was his first basketball game EVER. He was pretty nervous and was worried that he wouldn’t know what to do when he got out there but he actually surprised me. Here he is getting to the school gym and making sure his shoes were tight. It’s all about the shoes ya know.

Watching the girls game was quite exciting and they did very well. It was amazing to watch these little girls running around the court and they quite handily won their game. They will start shooting up in size soon but for right now, most of them are still the same size as the boys.

Of course I mentioned that this was (blog fodder) photo documentation of my boys…like I always do. For some reason Magnet thinks he wants to start his own blog also. No no no…not the puppy dog face. I can resist it. I can. I can. Well, maybe I’ll let him.

Alien got some court time and actually had the ball in his hands TWICE during the game. Of course I was bouncing in my seat and didn’t think to get a photo of him at that moment.

We’ll work on trying to break free from defenders later on.

A great time was had by all and then reality set in when we got home and I chased them both out of the house. Either stay out and play or stay in and do chores. I love the peace and quiet that always brings!

Peace out and bunny ears to you all!

What a difference! Woohoo!

2009-02-06T14:51:00.004-06:00

Oh yeah, Oh yeah, it is happy dance time here in the land of Kansas Chaos! I thought I loved my job as director of nursing but now that I've resigned from it and worked my first 'regular' night shift, I. Can't. Believe. How. Much. Better. I. Feel. It is amazing! No more last-minute schedule changes to fix, no more 'here is a new regulation' to deal with, no more 'he said, she said'..well, that will always happen but at least now..I don't have to do anything about it! Yoohoo! Weehee! Hippity Doo Daa Cowboy!

This is where I was just a few short days ago..and now I'm freeeee! And doesn't this guy just do the most amazing doodles?! I absoposilutely L O V E his drawings. Go meet the Organized Doodler if you dare! Muahahaha

Whaddya know! An award!

2009-02-05T21:54:00.005-06:00

Thank you very much Staci at The Bliss Of It All for giving me the "Lemonade Award" for attitude/or gratitude. So I'm guessing that means smart alec attitude and gratitude that is just usually there and occasionally even forced! Umm..yeah...sure. That's it.

Here it is:
It is really cool...it's my first blog award and it's even kinda surreal to think that I even got one! Thanks again.

Here's the instructions I'm supposed to do now. 1. Put the logo on your blog or post. 2. Nominate at least 8 blogs that show great attitude or gratitude. Link to your nominees within your post. 4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog. 5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received the award.

Okay..so I nominate... Manic Mariah, Chronicles of a Country Girl, Noble Pig, The Rasssbo Life of a Rasssbo Wife (it's my sister, I have to! lol ), Organized Doodles. I'm going to have to work on 3 others and I promise to browse around and find 'em. I'm still new at this blogging thing and haven't surfed nearly enough yet.

In other news, I'm so dang proud of my daughter, Hippie Chick. She has really turned into a lovely young woman and is working hard at becoming an aesthetician/massage therapist. She just received a 97% on her written final and did so well on her clinical facial final that the lady she worked on signed up for 5 more facial (and paid for them) while requesting the Hippie Chick is that one that works on her. How cool is that?! She's already gathering a clientele while she's still a student!

She's got these awesome ideas for using visualization techniques during massage and has even come up with some of her own masks and facial creams using all natural ingredients. I'm telling ya, she's going to be someone to watch out for in the years to come. And she's beautiful inside and out on top of it all! Did I mention how proud I am of her? She's the one on the right..not sure who the friend is.

This one must have been some party she was headed off to. I stole these pictures from her facebook page! hehe

Making some changes

2009-02-04T18:11:00.002-06:00

Ya know, there are times that we just have to do what we just have to do. I've decided to change up my job somewhat. I've been director of nursing for a small-town hospital for 2 years now and it's time for me to step away from that. I'll still be a nurse, don't get me wrong there. I l.o.v.e. being a nurse. I'm good at it. I'm actually quite good at being a DON also but I don't like being the person of last resort that has to work if no one else is able to. There is just a ton of little stresses that are ongoing and lots of fires to be put out at any one time. Part of me really liked that...I liked being the decision maker and 'the buck stops here' kinda person. The part of me that struggles with depression though, has a real hard time of it.

So..I've stepped down from that and will be working 2 night shifts a week (mainly Wed/Thurs.) and will have most weekends off and won't have to work extra if I'm not up to it. Da Man had the suggestion that since I'm a night owl anyway just to adjust my normal hours to sleep from 2am to noon, that way when I work nights I'm just staying up a little later and not really throwing off my rhythm quite so much. I think that is a damn good idea. Not to mention that it will really fit with my natural sleeping tendencies anyway.

I haven't told the kids yet, but honestly, it's going to be an improvement since now I can work 2 days and just be home the rest of the time without the guilt involved about not being at the hospital every day. I'll still have lots of ideas for improvement I'm sure, but now I can just run them past someone else and let them do the major work on it! Woohoo! Unless it is form building...I'm a master form builder! lol

Depression has been kinda kicking my azz here lately also and I'm hoping this will help. Time will tell.

I should ask the organized doodler to make a doodle of me kicking depression's azz for a change! ;)

Aww...little mousie...

2009-02-01T13:52:00.009-06:00

We have mice. I really really wish the kind of mice that we had looked like this. This I could really handle, little mouse giggles and tiny white gloves hanging about.

Or at the very least, looked like this. This one could even bring some buddies along, you know, Mr. Flatscreen Monitor and the CPU gang.

But noooo, one of the ones that we've caught so far kinda looked like this. This one was found in the garage after feasting on some extra Ramen noodles that had been stored out there.

But another one looked more like this. Is this a rough looking mouse or what...I think there is some rat ancestry somewhere. I would have posted a picture of the one that was actually caught but he's somewhere deep in the trash and I drew the line at digging through the trash to be able to put his pic up on my blog! Aren't you glad I'm able to draw the line somewhere?! Me too. Oh..and that bad boy, caught IN THE HOUSE. He'd been trapped behind the refrigerator by my glorious cat so we crammed traps into all the exit spaces and finally got him.

Of course my daughter would have loved them...I think she actually named this hairless rat Thad. I called him Scrot. See why?

As for me, I'm really glad that I have the old fashioned mouse traps and Cupcake..who loves to leave little presents for us.